Tag Archives: Relationships

Feb 19 2014
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Relationships

What Match.com Taught Me: Round Up

Welcome to the final installment of “What Match.com Taught Me” brought to you by Buffalo Wild Wings and Starbucks. Thank you, America.

As I reflect back on my stint of online dating (a whole woppin month!), I can’t help but be grateful for what God has taught me. I think the past three weeks I’ve spent some time bashing other people but haven’t really addressed my heart/idol factory in the matter.

You see, when I first joined the website that I was pretty sure was going to introduce me to my future husband, I did so with extremely selfish motives. I was throwing the pity-party of the year and decided to seek validation from a computer screen or those on the other side of it.

I decided to play god. And I failed.

All of those things I wrote about–insecurity, labeling, standards–are all things that I struggled with because I was “lonely.” My eyes were focused on me, not Christ.

And that’s what happens, isn’t it? We get caught up in the kingdom of me and lose sight of the kingdom of God. Oh how easy it can become to wallow in self-pity and insecurity and act like there is no way out.

But there is a way out and His name is Jesus.

Continue reading →

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Feb 12 2014
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Relationships

What Match.com Taught Me: Part 3

Standards of faith/a relationship with Jesus aren’t that big of a deal to most people.

Disclaimer: if you are a follower of Jesus and are in a relationship with someone who is not, my aim is not to offend you. My goal here is to tell my story and my viewpoint. If you don’t agree with me, that is okay. Chances are we can still have a civil conversation with one another and talk things out! I like to think I’m pretty easy to get along with!

Now, on to the fun stuff…

Last week I mentioned that I like to think of myself as a woman of standards. I think that there is a huge gap in our lives of what we label ourselves and how we live.

With that said, I also think there’s a huge gap in the standards we have set for ourselves when looking at someone as a potential spouse.

Over and over again I read profiles full of statements like, “I’m a Christian but it’s okay if you aren’t. It’s not that big of a deal.”

In fact, here are two descriptions straight from the horse’s mouth:

I go to church basically every Sunday. It’s really not much time a week, but gives me a chance to reflect, pray, and learn to try and become a better person. It’d be nice to find someone to share this faith with me also. I’m not asking you to believe exactly what I believe, just be with me.

Lutheran guy, born and raised. I can respect you and your beliefs as long as you respect mine. Details are details, but having faith towards an idea or belief is a good start in my book.

In other words (and yes, this is my interpretation), these guys don’t really care if their dream girl has a relationship with Christ. Is this okay? Is it enough to just go to church and “be with” someone while you’re there? Is a mutual faith that important in a relationship?

My answers: No. No. YES.

And here’s why:
If growing in Christ and towards Christ isn’t the goal of all of my actions, what’s the point? If I’m dating/married to someone that is not leading me toward Jesus, then it ends up being a self-serving relationship that does not bring glory to God. And as a Christian, the goal of my life is God’s glory.

Now, I must also add that I believe there is nothing that God can’t redeem. If you are dating/married to someone that doesn’t believe in Christ, it doesn’t mean that person is out of God’s reach or that you are in the wrong. God’s grace is bigger than any dumb blog post I could ever write (praise Jesus!!).

However, I still believe that we are lacking in standards in our relationships.

Maybe, just maybe, if I set a standard of faith that a guy must reach before I consider dating him, we’ll end up having a great friendship resulting in a marriage that brings God glory.

And, for the record, my standard is this: a guy needs to love Jesus more than he loves me, but love me enough to lead me toward Jesus and care about my relationship with Him.

Unrealstic? Nah. I don’t think so.
Because at the end of the day, as sinful people, if we don’t have Jesus to rely on individually, we really don’t have anything. I will fail you and you will fail me.

Also, it’d be great if my guy also loves hunting. And baseball. And bacon. Aaannnddd queso.

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Jan 29 2014
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Relationships

What Match.com Taught Me

Part 1: Insecurity

Disclaimer: Before I continue on, it needs to be noted that I know many people that have had success at online dating. My intent is NOT to bash online dating, make people feel insecure, etc. I’m simply going to share my story. If I offend you, please contact me and let’s talk it out!

So, I tried online dating. For a short period of time. And I was “unsuccessful.” I put that in quotes because I didn’t meet someone to pursue a relationship with; however, I did learn A LOT, so that part I think is a success. The first, and probably biggest, lesson I learned was about insecurity.

Online dating can be insecurity’s biggest friend if we let it be. (Also, English/Spelling people…I used that apostrophe on purpose. Back off.) I don’t know how it works with other online dating sights, but with match.com you are able to see who has viewed your profile, how many times your profile has been viewed, and for a small fee, if someone has read the email you’ve sent them. I was too cheap to pay the extra for the email notification, but the other info comes with the base package.

I would view a guy’s profile, wait a couple days, maybe send a wink, and if I saw he’d viewed mine, I’d get a little excited. Especially if he was wearing camo in any of his pictures.

More times than not, I never received a “like”, “wink”, or email from the 225 guys that looked at my digital personality.

At the onset of this venture, when the viewers were closer to 15, I started to question myself. At one point I even said to a friend, I’m just not sure that I’ll find anyone that is interested in someone like me (or a version of that statement). I had let the not-so-friendly voice of insecurity creep into my head and tell me I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t feminine enough, that a guy couldn’t possibly like a girl that enjoys softball and deer hunting.

I let a website tell me that how God had designed me was wrong.

Enter: Truth.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”-Psalm 139:13-14

Being a female that has grown up in the church, I’ve heard these verses quoted WWWAAAYYY too many times. I think it’s our go-to verse for girls, because let’s face it, we all struggle with self-confidence in some way or another.

The kicker for me is that, while I know this verse I don’t always believe it. If my soul truly knew this truth very well, I wouldn’t let a click on a profile bother me as much as it did. It should also be noted that my profile said something along the lines of, “if you don’t love Jesus, don’t bother.” That could have prevented a lot of further inquiry. More on that next week. 🙂

My prayer for us today, and this coming week, is that we will know it very well that God has created us to be exactly what we are supposed to be. That no man, woman, child, etc. will dictate our worth or rattle our identity in Christ.

Question: Has the world wide interwebs ever revealed insecurity in you?

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Jan 15 2014
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Am I a pessimist?

Occasionally I read a blog on Christianity Today’s website.

As I clicked through recently, I came across an ad/link that literally made me laugh out loud. To be honest, it was more of a “are you kidding me?” laugh than a “man that’s hilarious!” laugh.

The ad/link said: “Waiting for a Wedding: Staying optimistic while waiting for your heart’s desires.”

First off, “heart’s desires” is such a girly Christian term I giggle a bit on the inside every time I hear it, not just in this context. Also I think I say it wwwaayyyy too much.

Secondly, is that all I’m waiting on? My wedding? If my ultimate hope and anticipation is in my wedding day, my actual marriage might struggle a bit. (As a side note, Fergie’s song Finally just started playing on my iPhone shuffle playlist. Well played, music.) 

I can’t read the Scriptures, Old Testament or New, and come to the conclusion that the epitome of my waiting is my wedding. Sure, I have a desire to one day be married, but my anticipation in life should not be ONLY for my wedding day. My deepest anticipation and desire should be for eternal communion with Jesus Christ.

When I see ads or links like the one mentioned above, it makes me think about how people may view my attitude toward this whole singleness thing. Unfortunately, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I think the overall culture of the American church is that, if I’m not married or pursuing marriage, there is something wrong with me, my life isn’t complete, or I need to be “fixed.” If my deepest desire and my constant thought isn’t on my wedding, do I seem like a pessimist? I would hope not. I would hope that my life still reflects optimism, but that the optimism is rooted in the fact that one day Christ will come again and make all things right. Including my attitude towards weird ads on Christian websites.

Question: Do you ever come across ads on websites that make you scratch your head or laugh in disbelief?

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Jan 08 2014
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I just want you to like me.

I haven’t always been single. I’ve never been married, but I have dated and been in relationships (one at a time, mind you). As I wade through the land of singleness, I look back on my past relationships and often wonder, “Where did I go wrong.”

I believe one of the first things we as women often think when a dating relationship ends is that exact thought. What did I do. Where did I screw up. Why am I not good enough?

In reading Scotty Smith’s “Everyday Prayers” (pick it up here. Seriously. Go buy it.), I came across a mind blowing concept. He writes, “Idolatry is everywhere because there’s no such thing as a nonworshiper.”

Now, I’ve heard this concept many times, but it simply ROCKED me as I read it yesterday. YESTERDAY. (God’s timing is awesome) My following thoughts went something like this:

  • Oh that’s gooooooooooood. Yeah, he’s spot on.
  • I should share this with people that I know are struggling with idolatry. Maybe they’ll realize the idols in their life.
  • Man, I’m glad I have my idols worked out.
  • Shoot. Is that an idol? Being better than everyone else?
  • Yup.

I have really good conversations in my head.

Anyways, it seriously got me thinking. What is my aim in relationships? What is my aim in blogging? What is my aim (fill in the blank)?

Often, my aim is for people to like me. I want to be wanted. I desire for people to desire me. At the deepest root of who I am, I want to be known.

What really throws me for a loop here, though, is that I am already. And I’m not liked, wanted, desired, known because of anything another human has done for me. I am all of these things because of Christ. God’s Word says in Zephaniah 3:17, “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” And again in Isaiah 43:1, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.”

In other words, I am liked, wanted, desired, known, and LOVED because of God’s great love for me.

Now, just because I’ve written this blog does not mean that I’ve washed my hands of this idol. It doesn’t mean my need for approval is magically wiped away. In fact, if you know anything about me, you know that this has been a struggle in my life for a long time.

When I reflect back on my past relationships, my main goal in each of them was for the other person to validate me. My worship was myself. I could argue with you about being the most selfish “girlfriend” ever. Because I used to be, and probably will be next time around too if my validation is still coming from the guy I’m dating.

My hope is that we can struggle through this together. That we can like each other, or not, just because. That we can let the love of Christ be enough.

There’s a line in a BarlowGirl song that has stuck with me since the first time I heard it: “You’re a God who has all things, and still You want me.”

May we all let that be enough today.

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