Monthly Archives: June 2016

how God is giving me the desires of my heart

how God is giving me the desires of my heart

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
-Psalm 37:4

If there’s one promise of God’s that people love to remind me of, it’s this one. That if I delight myself in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. He’ll give me what I want if I just like Him a little bit more. And if I don’t have what I want, it’s probably because I want that thing more than I want God – ergo I do not get that which I want.

At least, that’s what I was lead to believe this promise meant.

I’ve got a birthday coming up somewhat soon and I’m not the most thrilled I’ve ever been about a birthday. And trust me, I LOVE BIRTHDAYS.

I told a friend this week that it feels as if I’m getting farther away from the life I desire(d) for myself. That I’m moving away from what 18-year-old Kayla pictured 26-year-old Kayla would be. And not in a good way. I feel like the desires of my heart are not being given to me in the time frame I assumed they would.

You see, when you grow up in a small town, the assumption is that you will graduate high school, maybe go to college, and be married by the time you’re 23 if not sooner.

I haven’t followed those plans.

But the kewlest thang is that, even though my life isn’t what I imagined it would be, even though I don’t have the desires of my heart that every True Love Waits era female has, God is still giving me the desires of my heart – it just isn’t in the way I thought He would.

What I thought He would do: give me a husband and some babies and the illest job I ever dreamed I could have.

What He has done:

  • placed me in a community of Christ-followers that I didn’t even know could exist. The church that the Lord has dropped me into fills my heart with the grace and love I believe we are meant to experience as the Bride of Christ.
  • given me friends that know me more intimately than anyone ever has. God has been so faithful in healing my heart from past hurts by the people who were closest to me by giving me friendship that I truly can’t explain. There are people – men and women – in my life that love me so well I don’t even know what to do with it sometimes. I cried earlier today thinking about the ways in which I am known even though I am not someone’s wife. The ways in which my people rally around me to make me feel accepted and loved is something I hope everyone feels in their lifetime.
  • given me friends that have really great husbands. I get to witness men value and love their women in ways the world doesn’t understand. God has placed a new desire in my heart for what a Godly man should look like because of the men my friends have married.
  • given me little ones to love on even though I don’t have a child of my own. Just this week I’ve had the opportunity to have some legit quality time with some of my favorite littles. I have the privilege of being a part of their story – of speaking life into their lives. I get to sit on a bedroom floor and step into the world of Super Bad Girl, Belle, and Prince James as they overcome their differences to save the day. I get to rock a 1-year-old to sleep, tears rolling down my cheeks because I can’t believe that God has placed me in his life, in this role, to love him and help raise him to be a man that warriors on for Jesus. I get to be a woman that loves children well, whether I’m their mom or not.

You see, the desires of my heart are being given to me by the Lover of my soul. He knows me so well – knows my heart and my desires better than even I – that He gives them to me. It may not be in the form of a husband and a house and a dining room table full of my own children, but it is in the form of long days with friends, late nights on a couch in a living room, a drink on a Thursday night while the restaurant shuts down, a hug from a psuedo-brother, a high-five from a middle child, a quiet night with a baby in a rocking chair, Finding Dory with best & her husband, tears over coffee, and a Savior that is making me more like Him day by day.

In all of this, I can see that my greatest desire is to know and love Jesus. To be like Him. To walk step-in-step with Him. To delight in Him.

And I think He and I are doing just that.

Tagged , , ,

psalm 10


psalm 10

Do you know some crappy people?

Like, those people that just kinda stink and seem to get everything handed to them and all you can do is roll your eyes and get a little bitter about it?

I think that’s the type of person David is dealing with in this psalm.

For the wicked boasts of the desire of his soul, and the one greedy for gain curses and renounces the Lord.

His ways prosper at all times… (v3 & 5)

I get so frustrated with people like this. I get frustrated that, here I am, trying to do the right thing, keep on the straight and narrow, live life well and I feel like I’m getting the shaft.

I feel like God doesn’t see all the good I’m doing.
I feel like God looks over how righteous I am.
I feel like God could care less about actions of His people.

But my feelings don’t always win.

Truth wins.

And Truth says that God doesn’t care about all the good I do – but He cares about the good that Jesus did on the cross and sees me as righteous because of that!

Truth says that the enemy doesn’t win the day and the the people of God will always be covered in His abounding love.

But You do see, for you note mischief and vexation, that You may take it into Your hands; to You the helpless commits himself; You have been the helper of the fatherless.

O Lord, You hear the desire of the afflicted; You will strengthen their heart; You will incline Your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more. (v14 & 17-18)

God sees His people.

But most importantly, He sees His people through the blood of Jesus.

We don’t have to fight our way into the Kingdom.
We don’t have to prove ourselves with good works.

We just need to rest in the One who hears the desire of the afflicted.

Tagged , ,

psalm 9

Today’s post will be quick because I have people to talk to and coffee to drink! Quality time, amiright?!

I sometimes feel like God likes to leave me hanging. That He sees me floundering and is just like, ehh, whatever, she’ll be fine.

Like I’m struggling to grab hold of the side of the pool and He’s just letting me float and struggle while He sits on His beach towel eating all the popsicles.

But that is a total lie.

That is a completely false depiction of my God. An image that the enemy puts in my head when I am discouraged and in need of a Savior.

Then, I read:

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. (v9-10)


That’s what my God is.

My God is a God that brings me in and protects me, covering me under His mighty hand fending off the enemy.

My God is a loving and merciful God, not a bully god that could care less whether I sink or swim.

He’s the one in the water with me making sure I make it safely to the ladder.

And then we eat popsicles together.

Tagged , , ,

psalm 8


I’ve had the awesome opportunity the past 5 days to watch the best college softball in the country.

When I look at the field, perfectly manicured and lined with chalk, when I see the athletes warming up and competing with such ferociousness, when I hear the pop of the ball sweetly hitting the catchers mitt or soaring off of a bat, I see the Creator God.

As David mentions in this psalm, I look at the heavens, the work of His fingers – I see the sun setting over a softball diamond in the middle of Oklahoma and I can’t help but think, “Who am I that You, God, are mindful of me? Who am I that You care for me?”

I see a God Who has made all things, yet loves me so deeply He sent His Son Jesus to pay the ultimate price for the debt of my sin.

I see a God that loves His people so much, He gives us pleasure in the strangest things – things like the smell of dirt and grass and sweat all mixed together. Things like fierce competition and the drive in an athlete’s eyes to not give up until the last out is called.

I see a God Who has made all things – again, all. things. – yet cares about my little heart feeling so full watching a softball game.

That’s a cool God, y’all. A way cool God.

O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heaves, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Tagged , ,

psalm 7

Remember that time I talked about not being very disciplined so I was going to write daily?


I’m not very disciplined.

But, we’re back!

Psalm 7.

I am really loving David’s writing. In this psalm, the first place he longs to go is to God.

(verse 1) O Lord my God, in you do I take refuge; save me from all my pursuers and deliver me

The first inclination of his heart is to recognize who God is and his own posture before the Lord – taking refuge in his Maker.

And once that is settled:

(verse 3-5) O Lord my God, if I have done this, if there is wrong in my hands, if I have repaid my friend with evil or plundered my enemy without cause, let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it…

Once David knows, and reminds himself, of who he is and Who’s he is, he repents. He asks the Lord to examine his life and rightly judge him.

I am often so quick to heap shame and guilt upon myself because of my sin. My first inclination is to be wrecked by how sinful of a being I am. I don’t take the time to give God credit for Who He is and what He has already done for me through the blood of Jesus on the cross – redeeming my soul and taking the final, final punishment for all of my sin and offense toward a holy God.

When I don’t initiate my repentance with recognizing God for Who He is – a holy, righteous, just, and loving God – I am prone to believe that Jesus’ sacrifice isn’t good enough and I am irredeemable.

May it not be so!

May we know that God is a righteous judge, but because of Jesus, our redemption is final and the judgment has been settled – we are victorious because of Christ!

Now go read the rest of Psalm 7.

Tagged , ,