I wrote the following a couple weeks ago when I felt really naked and exposed and too full of shame and guilt to speak these words to anyone, so writing them just felt like the natural thing to do. Then I shoved them away. But they came back again in a couple different conversations, so, I have to share them now.
I still feel pretty naked and exposed at times, but God is teaching me that my shame is not something I can let the enemy have. I need to give Him my shame, and my guilt, and my exposure, and my nakedness. And in that, I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that He will receive all of it and all of me, and will sit with me in the fiery furnace.
It’s pretty short, but it’s pretty raw. And it was all I could bear at the time.
Sometimes I get sad.
Sometimes I think I’m alone and unlovable and that no one really wants to be my friend.
That I’ve been found out. The real Kayla has finally stood up and she’s repulsive.
I’m feeling a little bit like that lately.
I’ve let my guard down and the enemy has snuck in through the back door. I kinda think he’s like a little mosquito that gets in right before the door shuts and you don’t even know he’s in the house until he’s bitten you 7 times and you start to itch a day later.
That’s how I feel right now.
I feel isolated. Unloved. Alone. Unworthy. And itchy.
I know these feelings are not feelings God delights in my feeling.
I know that God is good and that I am loved and worthy.
But I also feel like God is just kinda letting me lay my head on His holy shoulder and is weeping with me. He’s feeling these things just as I am.
I don’t think He’s telling me to just figure it out and get along with my life.
He’s in the mire.
He’s holding me close, throbbing in pain right alongside me.
When it feels like no one else is showing up, the enemy is probably on the move.
When it feels like no one else is showing up, God is.
When it feels like no one else is showing up, it doesn’t matter – the King of Creation and Lover of my soul never leaves or forsakes me. He has already shown up and will not leave.