Tag Archives: insecurity

proving myself

Well, this one has been sitting in my drafts folder, just titled and all alone, for a week. I’ve tried to stay away from it but alas, here we are.

A week ago I got the keyboard out to start writing this one based on a cycle I was stuck in with a friend. You see, I have this really fun tendency to over-explain myself in every sense of the word. It’s almost like I feel like I’m going to get caught even though I know I’ve done nothing wrong. So, when I’m not in a healthy place emotionally, I jump on my wordy hamster wheel and just talk and talk and talk myself around whatever I’m doing.

Luckily, I have really great people in my life and the one I was spiraling with stopped me and said, “Stop trying to prove yourself to me. You’re fine. I trust you.”

And man, what a relief that was. To have people who know the path you’re headed down and can keep you from it is such a gift.

The bummer is that this isn’t the first time my friend(s) have had to say something like that. But again, the gift is that they do. And so it seemed the cycle had halted.

Enter: Saturday.

I visited my family to celebrate my Grandma’s 92nd birthday and while I was there my sister, nephew, boyfriend, and I went for a lil’ afternoon hangout sesh at the local watering hole. One of the beautifully awful things about growing up in a small town is that everyone knows everyone and you can’t go anywhere without running into someone you grew up with. I say it’s beautifully awful because 1) what a gift to be in such a tight knit community, but 2) what a terror to know that everyone knows everything about who you were from ages 0-18/19/20.

So naturally, in walks someone I went to high school and played sports with. I introduced her to my boyfriend and immediately said, “We played basketball together and she was better than me.”

Cue my insides exploding.

Here I was again, trying to – in a backwards way – prove myself. I had to get it out there that I knew my place and I knew that she was better than me but it didn’t bother me (except oh yes it did). I could feel the 17 year old in me writhing with insecurity as this person got the recognition I longed for. All those years of trying to prove myself on the court, in the classroom, with the friend groups came flying back into the present and they were not.fun.

I laughed it off with my sister, rolled my eyes at myself, and went back to staring at my nephew because little boys are the cure for everything.

When I returned home and back to my normal life, recounting the weekend with a friend, she mentioned a similar instance from her weekend. She said, “It was like I was on the outside and I couldn’t figure out how to get in.”

And with that I exclaimed a loud, “YES! SAME!”

But here’s the kicker with it all: I am absolutely in love with where I am “in” in my life. God has been so kind to place me on the inside of so many beautiful relationships, and honestly, He has also been so kind in keeping me on the outside of others. Yet, the insecurity of knowing I’m on the outside of some places can be so deafening at times. Having physical voices loud enough to drown out the lies of the enemy has truly proven to be God’s grace poured out on my life.

I have no idea how to end this blog. No real bow to tie around it. It’s just a lot of strewn together thoughts about how destructive the urge to prove myself can be.

And for now, that’s totally fine.

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What Match.com Taught Me

Part 1: Insecurity

Disclaimer: Before I continue on, it needs to be noted that I know many people that have had success at online dating. My intent is NOT to bash online dating, make people feel insecure, etc. I’m simply going to share my story. If I offend you, please contact me and let’s talk it out!

So, I tried online dating. For a short period of time. And I was “unsuccessful.” I put that in quotes because I didn’t meet someone to pursue a relationship with; however, I did learn A LOT, so that part I think is a success. The first, and probably biggest, lesson I learned was about insecurity.

Online dating can be insecurity’s biggest friend if we let it be. (Also, English/Spelling people…I used that apostrophe on purpose. Back off.) I don’t know how it works with other online dating sights, but with match.com you are able to see who has viewed your profile, how many times your profile has been viewed, and for a small fee, if someone has read the email you’ve sent them. I was too cheap to pay the extra for the email notification, but the other info comes with the base package.

I would view a guy’s profile, wait a couple days, maybe send a wink, and if I saw he’d viewed mine, I’d get a little excited. Especially if he was wearing camo in any of his pictures.

More times than not, I never received a “like”, “wink”, or email from the 225 guys that looked at my digital personality.

At the onset of this venture, when the viewers were closer to 15, I started to question myself. At one point I even said to a friend, I’m just not sure that I’ll find anyone that is interested in someone like me (or a version of that statement). I had let the not-so-friendly voice of insecurity creep into my head and tell me I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t feminine enough, that a guy couldn’t possibly like a girl that enjoys softball and deer hunting.

I let a website tell me that how God had designed me was wrong.

Enter: Truth.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”-Psalm 139:13-14

Being a female that has grown up in the church, I’ve heard these verses quoted WWWAAAYYY too many times. I think it’s our go-to verse for girls, because let’s face it, we all struggle with self-confidence in some way or another.

The kicker for me is that, while I know this verse I don’t always believe it. If my soul truly knew this truth very well, I wouldn’t let a click on a profile bother me as much as it did. It should also be noted that my profile said something along the lines of, “if you don’t love Jesus, don’t bother.” That could have prevented a lot of further inquiry. More on that next week. 🙂

My prayer for us today, and this coming week, is that we will know it very well that God has created us to be exactly what we are supposed to be. That no man, woman, child, etc. will dictate our worth or rattle our identity in Christ.

Question: Has the world wide interwebs ever revealed insecurity in you?

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