Jun 18 2014
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Identity

I need to be Perfect

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Let’s be honest. Us ladies ride the struggle bus all the way to Perfection Point a lot. I’m pretty sure I have a frequent rider card at this point. I feel a deep need to have all my ducks in a row. I need to keep everything in my life lined up perfectly so I don’t screw things up. A few stories to illustrate:

1) I was at FCA Girls Sports Camp last week and when it was close to the closing of camp and we needed girls to fill out camper evaluations, I literally stood, frozen, in the middle of the room because girls were kinda crazy and it wasn’t perfect so I didn’t know where to start. I literally froze because the atmosphere wasn’t “perfect” to me. And it wasn’t an elegant frozen state like Elsa.

2) Last week while I was at the camp mentioned above, I got a little anxious when my blog flow was thrown off because I didn’t have a chance to write a new entry. My perfect streak of a new post every week was gone, so I “fixed” it by letting the world (really just my Facebook world) know that I was at camp doing some holy things so I couldn’t post anything. I made sure my image was intact.

3) This afternoon after work, I fell asleep on my couch for 2 hours because I feel like I haven’t stopped moving in 10 days and I’m exhausted. I needed a good nap and I got one. When I woke up and realized it’s Wednesday and time to write, I had an argument with myself on whether or not I should go to Starbucks and write or if it would be okay for me to just sit on my living room floor and type some words. My thought process went a little like this: if I don’t go to Starbucks the atmosphere I’m used to won’t be the same, therefore the writing won’t be as good. I needed the perfect seat in the corner with the perfect cup of coffee to make sure that my writing is perfect. And yes, I’m in that seat in the corner with that cup of coffee as I type…(insert heavy eye roll here)

Now that I think of it and write it out, maybe I just have OCD. Who knows.

My point in all of this is that I’ve been relying A LOT on myself lately. I feel the need to be “perfect” (whatever that means: emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc…).

If I miss a day at the gym, I don’t give myself grace. If I forget to pray a certain amount of time, I don’t give myself grace. If I don’t have the right answer for a friend in need, I don’t give myself grace.

I’ve been trusting myself with the seemingly little details of life and only relying on God when I crash and burn. I try to fix myself up before I come to Jesus, assuming that He won’t want someone that doesn’t have everything figured out on her own.

Jesus tells us in Mark 2:17-

Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.

I don’t know where this need for perfection comes from. I don’t know where I think I need ultimate control over my life. I do know that every time I rely on myself I fail. I also know that I have a Savior that blatantly tells me over and over again in Scripture that I don’t have to fix myself. He has called me, loves me, and saves me because He can. Not because my perfection has earned it.

A sweet friend asked how she could be praying for me this week. When I told her, “that I would let go of perfection and fixing myself.” She shared a little nugget of wisdom from her mom: My imperfection demands the Lord’s presence which is glorious because we have a Savior who rises to every occasion.

May we all rest in that truth this week: that we need Jesus and He is always there to love us, especially when we aren’t perfect.

*this week didn’t have much to do with dating/relationships/singleness. don’t worry, that discussion on perfection will come next week! (you’re so excited…I know…I know…)

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Jun 04 2014
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Contentment

the illusion of happiness

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I like to think I’m a fairly happy person.
I also know I can fake happiness pretty easily when I need to.
I ALSO know that I rely on my emotions (specifically the happy emotion) to dictate my reality WAY too often.

I think we all just want to be happy in life. When you talk to people (myself included) about their future, the response is usually, “I want to get married, have kids, a good job, and be happy.”

According to the internets, the definition of happy is: feeling pleasure or enjoyment because of your life, situation, etc.

That’s great and all, but what happens when your life, situation, etc. doesn’t shake out the way you thought it would?

What happens when you’re a newlywed and you find out you can’t have children?
When you’re 47 and your dreams of being a wife and mother seem unreachable?
When you’re a widow at the age of 25?

Where is your happiness then?

I think we trick ourselves in to thinking that happiness is sustainable. That if we can just “be happy” everything else will fall in to place. But that’s an illusion. That’s not real life. Happiness is fickle and can change in an instant.

I need joy, not happiness. Joy (again, defined by the internets) is: a settled state of contentment, confidence, and hope.

I really love that. Because my settled state of contentment, confidence, and hope can be on Jesus and He doesn’t change!!

My emotions are famous for changing at the drop of a hat. Literally. Dropping a hat could make me cry.
But praise God my heart can be settled on Jesus and He is my source of joy.

Sure, happiness comes out of joy, but the Lord sustains my joy regardless of my circumstance.

When you’re a newlywed and find out you can’t have children, God is still God.
When you’re 47 and your dreams of being a wife and mother seem unreachable, God is still God.
When you’re a widow at the age of 25, God is still God.

And He is still good.

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May 28 2014
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Relationships

i am not the point of my life

This past weekend I had the privilege of being on the camp staff for the Fellowship of Christian Athletes College Weekend of Champions. (To see a couple minutes of how awesome it was, click here!)

While at CWC I sat on a panel with 5 other women to field and answer questions from a room full of female college athletes. Any guesses as to what topic we discussed for the first 40 minutes?!

If you guessed hunting you are wrong. It was relationships!

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Shocker, right?!

There were tons of really good, deep questions. For one of the questions, I can’t remember what it was exactly, but my mouth opened and I answered. My answer to whatever was asked was, “What’s the point of my life? Is the goal of my life to get married, or is it to live in obedience to the Lord?”

I really caught myself off guard with that one, but I realized that’s really what God has been teaching me over the past couple of years. He’s been gently asking me the question, over and over again, “Kayla, what is the point of your life?”

And He’s been so kind in reminding my heart that I am not the point of my life. My life is not to be self-serving and all about me. Even if I get married, my life will still not be about me! It will be about loving my husband and submitting to him as his wife. It won’t be about how he can complete me and fulfill my every need.

I think sometimes we can get caught up in the assumption that being a follower of Christ is all about us. That He owes us something. That we’re entitled to His love.

If His love were based on entitlement, I would be the farthest from receiving it. Apart from Jesus, I am nothing. My life does not belong to me. And the point of my life is not to seek after earthly pleasures that will leave me empty.

Now, am I anti-marriage? Absolutely not! If God has the gift of marriage planned for my life, then I will gladly accept. BUT the point of my life is not marriage. It’s Jesus.

And apart from Jesus, marriage isn’t even that great.*

*and I say this after many discussions with married people that really love Jesus. Stay tuned this summer for some legit guests posts from some of them!

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May 21 2014
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Contentment

the 1-upper

Misery loves company.

In my experience, misery loves being the most miserable too.

If I could pick one question or topic that makes me giggle the most it is probably that singleness is “hard.” People will say things like, “being single must be so hard for you!” Or, “I can’t imagine being a single person today. You’re so strong.” Or, “how do you manage?!”

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A couple things here: 1) Being single is not hard. It may be annoying or inconvenient when I don’t want to go grocery shopping, but it isn’t hard. Hard is battling cancer, dealing with unemployment, or having your husband get hit by a car and break an ankle within a year of each other. 2) I usually give in to the question and make my life seem as difficult to the outsider as possible.

Remember when I said misery loves being the most miserable? When people ask about how difficult a certain season in life may be, I sometimes tend to play into the misery. I try to 1-up the miserableness.
“Man, singleness must be so difficult.”
“Oh, it is, plus, I can’t have a cat in my apartment.”
“Dang! Well, we can’t have cats either because of allergies.”
“Oh, you have allergies? Well I have chronic bronchitis and can’t breathe for an entire month out of every year, and I’m not married, so…”*

See where I’m going?

There have even been times when I’ve completely flipped the conversation to be all about me and my un-married life. A friend may be talking about how hard ministry is for her and I’ll chime in with, “yeah, I hear you. By the way, did I mention I’m still not dating?”

I think some of us (myself included when I don’t check myself…) want to be the most miserable. We want people to pity us. We want to play up our issues like our problems are way bigger than they are.

Why do we do this? Why do we allow discontentment to be the focus of our lives rather than rejoicing in what God has done and continues to do?

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t recognize or mourn hardships in our life. There is a time for that. But, as Paul writes in the verse above, we shouldn’t think or dwell on these things. We should rejoice in the truth that the Creator of all has made us new creatures, redeemed and brought back in to right relationship with Him.

Being single can sometimes be hard, especially when I make it my ultimate hope. Being single can be tough when everyone around you is getting married and having babies. Being single isn’t hard when I look to Jesus and think about the fact that He washed away my sins.

My challenge is that I’ll quit being the 1-upper. That I’ll let the Holy Spirit invade my life in such a way that others will see that my life is full of joy because of Him.

*side note: these are hypothetical conversations, but if I have actually had them with you, I’m sorry.

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May 14 2014
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Contentment

Letting God think He has Control

I’ve talked before about how I’m a manipulator and how I’ve tried to use God to get what I want. But I’ve not yet talked about how I try to fake out God.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I love having control. I love thinking that due to my hard work or expertise, stuff gets done. I appreciate responsibility over certain things because it means that I have power and am able to work my magic to see things through to the end (much like Hermione Granger).

I like to let God think He has control over certain areas of my life. I’ll pray or journal about what’s going on in my life, but leave out the details/situations that I’d prefer to handle myself.

A prayer may go something like this: “Lord, I’m really struggling with being content in this stage of life, so if You could help me be content that’d be great.”

Meanwhile, in my head, I’m saying to myself: “But I’ll continue to pin wedding ideas on Pinterest, talk obsessively about this guy I have a crush on, not spend time in the Word seeking out Truth for my life, and eventually I’ll get over this discontentment when I feel like it…”

I’m sure God hears that and gives me this look:

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The problem with this nasty idol of control is that I really don’t have it. Even in my sinfulness, God has control. He is the one orchestrating my every move, even when I think it’s on me.

As a basketball player, one of my favorite moves was a fake reverse dribble. That could be a move my mom made up, but whatever. When I was younger and more nimble (aka: high school), I could fake out a defender and get the ball down the floor with one swift, fluid movement (for those of you wondering if I’ve ever been “swift” or “fluid” the answer is, yes, at one point in my life I was BOTH of those things). I loved it. I was in control. I was dictating the moves on the court.

I can’t do that with God. He knows my every move before I do. I’ll never be one step ahead. As much as I want to hold on to certain areas or actions in my life, ultimately I have no control over them. The Bible says that God knows me so well, even the hairs on my head are numbered! How can I think that the One who knows me that well doesn’t know my heart and motive?

The only thing I can control is my surrender to the Most High King.

Control is simply an illusion that I need to let go of.

May we all be willing to truly surrender to God and live in the freedom of having no control.

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