I’ve talked before about how I’m a manipulator and how I’ve tried to use God to get what I want. But I’ve not yet talked about how I try to fake out God.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, I love having control. I love thinking that due to my hard work or expertise, stuff gets done. I appreciate responsibility over certain things because it means that I have power and am able to work my magic to see things through to the end (much like Hermione Granger).
I like to let God think He has control over certain areas of my life. I’ll pray or journal about what’s going on in my life, but leave out the details/situations that I’d prefer to handle myself.
A prayer may go something like this: “Lord, I’m really struggling with being content in this stage of life, so if You could help me be content that’d be great.”
Meanwhile, in my head, I’m saying to myself: “But I’ll continue to pin wedding ideas on Pinterest, talk obsessively about this guy I have a crush on, not spend time in the Word seeking out Truth for my life, and eventually I’ll get over this discontentment when I feel like it…”
I’m sure God hears that and gives me this look:
The problem with this nasty idol of control is that I really don’t have it. Even in my sinfulness, God has control. He is the one orchestrating my every move, even when I think it’s on me.
As a basketball player, one of my favorite moves was a fake reverse dribble. That could be a move my mom made up, but whatever. When I was younger and more nimble (aka: high school), I could fake out a defender and get the ball down the floor with one swift, fluid movement (for those of you wondering if I’ve ever been “swift” or “fluid” the answer is, yes, at one point in my life I was BOTH of those things). I loved it. I was in control. I was dictating the moves on the court.
I can’t do that with God. He knows my every move before I do. I’ll never be one step ahead. As much as I want to hold on to certain areas or actions in my life, ultimately I have no control over them. The Bible says that God knows me so well, even the hairs on my head are numbered! How can I think that the One who knows me that well doesn’t know my heart and motive?
The only thing I can control is my surrender to the Most High King.
Control is simply an illusion that I need to let go of.
May we all be willing to truly surrender to God and live in the freedom of having no control.
Kayla Smith 