Category Archives: Contentment

Feb 15 2020
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Contentment

getting uncomfortable

I spend a lot of my life around coaches.
The daughter of a coach.
A washed up athlete that had a lot of coaches in a lot of sports.
An employee of an organization that has a mission statement with the word “coach” in it.

I spend a lot of my life around coaches.

I’ve come to realize recently that coaches speak in ways that non-coaches/athletically minded people don’t. No person in their sane minds says things that coaches/athletes say.

They say things like:
“Get used to it not feeling good!”
“If it doesn’t hurt, it’s not working!”
“You’ve gotta get to where you think you can go no further, and then keep going!”
“Why are you here?! You didn’t show up just to take it easy!”
“When you feel your weakest, that’s when you’re actually getting strong!”

And my least favorite: “You’ve gotta get uncomfortable! The other side of uncomfortable is where growth happens!”

Also, I said “speak” earlier, but what I really meant is “yell.”
Coaches yell.
My mom does this fun thing where, when she’s in a gym or a large room of any sort, she can’t speak at a reasonable volume. She has what we have dubbed a gym-voice. And we have to remind her sometimes that our ears are literally 1 foot away from her mouth.

Anyways.
That line about getting uncomfortable has really been messing with me lately.
Uncomfortable is a thing that I have been a lot recently. I’m feeling some sort of way, but the only way I can describe it is as, well, uncomfortable. And I don’t like it. I want comfort. I want ease. But I don’t have it.

And as a follower of Jesus, if I’m honest, all I really want is eternal security. I don’t want to pick up my cross daily. I don’t want moment-by-moment sanctification. I don’t want accountability and course-correction. I want comfort.

Yet, I think the Lord is asking me to lean in to the uncomfort. I think He’s telling me that on the other side of uncomfortability is where growth happens. That when I feel my weakest, I’m actually getting stronger.

I don’t like to think of God as a coach that is telling me to do rounds of mountain climbers, tuck jumps, butt kickers, and burpees; yet, He might be. He just might be pushing me to the edge of my spiritual muscles so that stronger ones start to form and I’ll be even more prepared for pushing His Kingdom forward in my world.

I think a lot of us want to enter into life with Jesus and meet it with ease. But that’s just not how it goes. A good coach doesn’t let you off easy. They push you until you think you can’t go any further, and then you go further. And that’s what the Lord is doing right now. Pushing me, then taking me further.

If being uncomfortable will lead me to deeper, richer, fuller life with Jesus and those around me, then I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.

Also, if anyone has any tips for muscle soreness, subscribe to my YouTube channel, slide into my DMs, or comment below.

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Aug 31 2019
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Contentment, Friendship, Relationships

the windy city

Yes. This is about Chicago. But also, it’s not.

Five years ago I took my first summer trip to Chicago as an adult. I have to caveat that because I went as a teen for a softball tournament and fell in love with the city, but my parents were with me, so I was limited on the shenanigans I could get into.

I went with two dear friends and we had a fantastic time – 2 nights, 3 days right on Lake Shore Drive, eating pizza, seeing comedy shows, and delighting in the company of one another. It’s truly one of the dearest memories I have in traveling with friends.

This week, I went back for my first summer trip since then. I love Chi-town and have been many times, but for whatever reason I’ve chosen the cold months to visit throughout these five years. As I got off the train and started walking around, my mind began to wade through the last five years (which also happens to be the name of the saddest/best musical movie starring Anna Kendrick that my friend watched and told me I was horrible for recommending. Seriously. It’s sad.)

I digress.

The last five years.

I began to think about the friends I was with in 2014 and how we have since had a pretty major friend breakup.

I only have my side of the story, and I’m not going to share that with everyone. But the truth of the matter is, there was a tremendous ripping apart between us. We all played a role in the ripping. I will own my part in that hurt. But it was a breakup that I never saw coming because it was with friends. The ripping apart was hard. But that doesn’t take away what those friends meant to me in that season.

This past February, author and podcaster Annie F. Downs spoke at IF:Gathering on this exact topic. Her talk, What Happens When People Let You Down? (can be found on RightNow Media), spoke about the heartbreak of breakups – how when a breakup happens, you lose the future you thought you were going to have. But we don’t talk about losing the future with friends. So, in the way that only Annie can, she did.

And she gutted me with this line: “Losing a friendship feels like a ripping when that friend becomes and idol.”

And ultimately, that’s what I had let happen in my past friendships. They become my idol. The relationship itself became an idol. They were the thing that kept me safe and secure.

This time around, I went by myself.

I sent this picture to my mom so she knew I was safe, but as I looked at it – at me – I saw someone who is just way more settled into the fact that nothing outside of Jesus can satisfy, save, or secure her. 2014 Kayla was grasping for straws when it came to security, love, being known.

2019 Kayla knows she is secure, loved, and known in Christ.
I don’t have it all worked out, but I’m comfortable with knowing that God is working it out.

And now, as Annie also said, my friendships work because I don’t ask them to be my God. I just ask them to be my friend. With God as my closest friend, all other friends are a delightful gift.

And that they are. As I took inventory of my friends on Ohio Street Beach, I (surprise) got emotional. Overwhelmingly thankful that God has seen fit to give me Himself with flesh on in the form of my friends. And has given me the gift of Himself, so that I don’t have to grasp for and impress people that will let me down.

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Jan 01 2018
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Contentment, Identity

2017 – the year of joy

2017 - joy

A few years ago instead of making a bunch of resolutions at the beginning of a new year, I resolved to instead choose a word representing my desire for what the year could bring or what I hope God would specifically shape in my heart over a 365 day period.

2016 was the year of dwelling.
2017 was the year of joy.

In many ways 2017 has sucked.*

Amy Poehler writes in her book, Yes, Please, “Imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air. The process of divorce is about loading up that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands.”

Now, obviously, I have never been divorced. Or married.
But in a lot of ways, 2017 was a year of loading up the blanket, tossing it in the air, and seeing what would happen when things landed.

Friendships shifted in ways I didn’t expect.
I experienced spiritual warfare in the most personal, physical way that I have never experienced before.
The hope of a budding relationship and a life of non-singleness didn’t pan out the way I thought it would.

And that’s just, like, 17% of the past year.

But…

God didn’t leave me.

While some friendships shifted away, others moved even closer and grew even deeper.
In the midst of the battlefield, Jesus took up His sword and fought on my behalf.
God showed me, yet again, that He alone is the true lover of my whole self.

God didn’t leave me without.

And that’s why it truly was the year of joy.

On the outside looking in, it probably wouldn’t be labeled a joyful year.

But on the inside, I know in the core of who I am, that joy is not defined by my circumstances.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. – Romans 14:17

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.  – James 1:2-4

(Jesus speaking, after talking about abiding in Him) These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. – John 15:11

You see, my joy – by God’s grace – is Him. It is a deep, abiding truth that He will never leave me or forsake me. That in Christ, I am loved and known and treasured, and in turn can love and know and treasure the One who has come to set the captive free.

I don’t think my journey with joy is over – but I do think that in the midst of all the tossing, this is what has landed: the joy of the Lord is my strength.

 

 

*but also, my baby sister got married and is now going to also have a baby of her own, SO THAT’S REALLY COOL!

wedding edit.jpeg

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May 20 2017
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Contentment, Identity

what do i do when i don’t get the blessing?

blessing blog

I’ve been writing this one in my head for a few weeks, so it’s probably time to put it on internet paper.

With graduations and engagements and weddings and new seasons in general, I’ve seen a lot on social media about God being so good because people are so blessed.

I get really excited when people acknowledge that we serve and are known by a good, loving, gracious, merciful God who gives His children good things.
But I get pretty bummed out when we only acknowledge Him along with completing a degree, getting engaged, receiving a promotion, getting pregnant, starting a new relationship, get a new car…insert “good thing” here.

I believe those things are all good things, and again, it is of utmost importance to recognize that good gifts come from our good God. That, ultimately, we don’t earn or deserve what we have – it has all been given for us to steward and use for God’s glory.

But what happens when I don’t get the blessing?
Is God still good?

What happens when:
I fail a class and have to retake it, putting graduation off for another year…
My boyfriend breaks up with me because he’s just not feeling it anymore…
I receive a formal reprimand because of relational friction in the workplace…
I have miscarriage after miscarriage and just don’t understand why my body isn’t cooperating…
Both of my grandmas get cancer at the same time…
Friends that I thought would be by my side forever have now rejected me and I have no idea why…
My car gets totaled in a hail storm…

Is God still good?

Or have we become a people who condition His love for us, and dare I say, our love for Him, along with what He gives us?

Tonight I’m going to the church I grew up in to open up a youth rally with some worship time. I’m going to play a song that has these lyrics:

Though You slay me, yet I will praise You
Though You take from me, I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me, still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

I’m straight up nervous about this one because I know it will rock some worlds.

“Umm…nah…I’m not interested in that God.”
“If God is good, He wouldn’t take from me.”
“But doesn’t God just want us all to be happy and feel good all of the time?”

James 1:17 says, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

Do you know what God’s Word says is perfect? God’s love & Jesus’ life.

Jesus is the perfect gift.
Jesus is the good gift.
Jesus is the blessing that none of us deserve but all of us can freely receive.

My blessing isn’t that I receive every material gift I’ve ever wanted and have no hardship in life.

My blessing is that the God of all creation sent His one and only Son to live a life that I cannot live – a life free from sin – die a death that I deserve to die because of my sin and rebellion against His perfection, and raise again on the third day so that I am now made spotless, whole, complete in Him.

I’d rather have that blessing than anything this world has to offer.

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Mar 30 2016
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Contentment

it is well.

IMG_7631

I’ve been practicing some songs for my church’s upcoming Women’s Retreat. Not necessarily just to show off my snazzy vocal range (because I don’t really have one), but because I have the awesome privilege of leading a room full of ladies in worship.

Moments like these, I’m glad the Bible talks about making a joyful noise, not necessarily a beautiful one…

I digress.

One of the songs I’ve been playing over and over is It Is Well.

This song is ruining my life.

In a good way though.

Let me explain.

I get to the second verse of this song and my eyes start watering:

Though satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blest assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed His own blood for my soul

(yes, I still use Old English)

But do you see the beauty here? Though times are gonna stink occasionally, and it may seem like the enemy is getting away with A LOT, Jesus still sees me. He has, and is, looking upon my helpless situation, and He gave His own blood to redeem me. No one took it from Him. He willingly bled on my behalf.

(Kinda reminds me of Dodgeball…“Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!”)

Sorry. I’ve had a lot of coffee today.

And then, the third verse, where I’m lucky to make it through without my voice cracking multiple times:

My sin – oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, oh my soul!

My sin, every last ounce of it, is nailed to the cross where the Savior of the world took my punishment. It is no longer mine to bear. I have freedom because the Lamb of God decided I was worth it.

Man. How can you not cry about that?

I’m not going to get in to anything else tonight, because I think this is enough. We have been redeemed. Our sin is nailed to the cross and we can stop beating ourselves up about it. Repent, draw near to Jesus, and know that He has regarded your estate and paid the price for your sins.

Rest secure in that tonight.

It truly is well with my soul.

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