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Aug 20 2014
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a note to my 18 year old self

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First of all, I’m still amped up about a sweet (pun intended) friend, Lia Weber, competing on and WINNING TLC’s Next Great Baker!! I had the chance to go to a watch/block party last night to watch the finale and it was, in short, NEAT!! If you like rooting for cool people (even though you already know the outcome), go watch the episode on YouTube here!

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Last week I got to take my little sister to college. On the drive back with my parents I started to think about the time that I went to college. I thought about leaving home for the first time, leaving the comfort of the place I’d lived in for 18 years, and entering in to this ‘real world’ that people kept telling me they’d been preparing me for all my life.

I think about the 18 year old Kayla and I want to do a few different things: giggle, roll my eyes, smirk, mean mug, shake my head, face palm, and pat her on the back while saying, “Oh child…”

I thought I could conquer the world. I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew how to make sound decisions and be an independent woman like Destiny’s Child had made me think I was by throwin my hands up at them.

I was slightly remiss at 18.

So, I got to thinking, and here’s what I wish present-Kayla could have said to 18 year old-Kayla if time travel were a thing:

Dear Kayla,
First of all, break up with him. And don’t go back 8 more times. It’s not worth the heartache.
Get involved in your school. You have NO IDEA what this world has to offer and you have the chance to experience a llliitttllleee bit of it in your back yard. Take advantage of that.
You’ve been given a phenomenal opportunity to learn from some of the brightest minds in their respective fields. Don’t take this for granted. Go to class, listen to the professor, and take detailed notes because your future self will come to realize that she really likes to save notes. So don’t slack off on that.
Also, you’ll have a professor/advisor that will teach you what grace is in such a way that you’ll never be the same. Know that he is more than just a teacher. He is a educator in your life that you will come to find as invaluable. And even though he has a degree from KU, you’ll still like him. Just get over it.
Guard your eyes and your heart. Temptation is everywhere and if you aren’t careful, it will lead to sin and shame that will hurt you deeply. Momentary “satisfaction” isn’t worth years of guilt that will be hard for you to let go of.
If you’re hurting, tell someone. People care about you and love you. If you give them the chance to walk through life with you, they’ll grab you by the hand and start walking. Let them do that.
Understand deeply that a man cannot be your source of security, affirmation, identity…basically, he can’t be your source for anything. A relationship/boyfriend is not a bad thing, but don’t make it the main thing which is what you’re prone to do.
Be with Jesus. Know that He loves you more deeply than you can ever, ever fathom. Know that He will be the only one that can heal your wounds and bind up your broken heart. He is the only source of comfort, love, peace, joy, and true satisfaction that you have in your life. Trust that and go to Him always.
These next few years will be some of the hardest, yet most rewarding years of your life. You’ll meet amazing people, lose some friendships, and gain life experience that will blow your mind. Your heart will hurt at times, but it will get better. God is still God, and God is still good. Always.

Sincerly,
Kayla

ps. your car will get totaled in a hail storm in April of 2012, so just be emotionally prepared for that. And when you call Whitney to tell her about it because your parents are at prom and won’t answer their phones, try not to have a mental breakdown.

*if you’d like to see what made me fall in love with Amy Poehler, click here!

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Jul 23 2014
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Cliches: Part 1

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By day I work as an administrative assistant.
By night I fight crime as Kaptain Kayla using the superpower of lulling people to sleep with random history facts. I digress.

My day job requires lots of tasks and details and getting things right. I spend a lot of time making sure that money adds up, dates are correct, formatting on documents line up, etc. It’s captivating stuff, really.

My point is, I know how to get things right. They may not be right the first time, but they get there. I can get the job done. I can do what needs to be done for the project to be completed and satisfactory.

I cannot, however, get myself right.

One of my least favorite cliches that seems to be used most often is: Just use this season of life to get yourself right before the Lord, then He’ll bring the right man along.

Pump the brakes please.

There’s just so much with this one I can barely handle it.

First of all, it’s implying that the only “good” that can come from a season of singleness is that I’ll end up with a man.

Secondly, it’s implying that I have to do something to “get right” with Jesus. I don’t know about your Bible, but mine says things like, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) I cannot do anything to get right with Jesus. It is a gift of grace. And that’s a GOOD thing. Because if it were up to me I’d fail miserably. First road block and I’d duck out. I’m reliable like that.

THIRDLY, it’s implying that the point of my life is to earn some holy brownie points with God so that He will give me a husband, making the goal of my life marriage. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s still a lesson I need to preach to myself constantly! The goal of my life is to become more like Jesus and glorify God in all I do.

I’ve been the #1 offender when it comes to giving the “advise” given above. Raise your hand if Kayla has ever said, “Use this time to get right with Jesus so He’ll bring the right man to your doorstep!” *every hand in the room is probably raised*

I’m not saying that a season of singleness shouldn’t be used to deepen your relationship with Christ because it should be. But let’s not confuse a desire to deepen our relationship with Christ for the sake of Christ, with the desire to manipulate our way in to a husband.

Seek Jesus for Jesus.

And remind me I give bad advise if I ever say that phrase to you again.

Question: What’s a cliche you’ve heard or said to someone else that might not be the greatest advise ever?

(To see the full Kristen Wiig sketch, click here!)

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Apr 30 2014
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Just Affirm Me, Pleeaassee!

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A couple years ago a friend and I read through “The 5 Love Languages: Singles Edition.”

(Side note: I think it’s humorous that we can label anything a certain edition and sell it. I should market and sell, “Frozen: Kayla Edition” and see how that goes for me…)

I digress.

She and I really learned a lot through reading that book together–learned about ourselves, each other, and how to interact with those around us in a loving and encouraging way.

A couple big notes of mine that came from that:
(1) My “love tank” is filled by quality time with people and words of affirmation from others.
(2) I get sweaty and socially anxious when people touch me. Please don’t test this theory.*

Back to the love tank.
A running joke between the two of us now is when we affirm something the other does, we jokingly declare, “Affirmation!”
It’s funny and the two of us get it even if you don’t.

The struggle here is when I let affirmation from others dictate my joy, my value, my actions, etc. Often in my life I’ve desired affirmation from people who don’t really have a stake in my life. I search and yearn and try to work for the approval of others.

I search for and yearn for affirmation and approval from a guy. I desire to be lifted up by a man so that my love tank may be filled. I want to hear words spoken by a broken human that stroke my ego and make me feel whole…for a brief moment until I forget his words and feel the need to be affirmed even more. I think that being with a flawed man with somehow make me less flawed. I think that my value is less than what it could be if I were in a relationship with someone that constantly told me he loved me (cause that’s what boyfriends and husbands do, right??).

The truth amidst the long list of lies I tell myself is that Jesus affirms me moment by moment. I can list verses upon verses of this truth, but the first one that comes to mind is Isaiah 62:4

You shall no longer be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the LORD delights in you, and your land shall be married.

The word “Hephzibah” mean, “My delight is in her.” The Creator of all, Yahweh Himself has declared His delight in me.

Is there any greater affirmation than that?

Lord please teach my heart to rest in Your affirmation moment by moment!

*a note on physical touch: it only makes me socially anxious if I don’t really know you…again…please don’t test the theory 🙂

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Apr 23 2014
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Not Always The Bridesmaid

When I was 19 someone said to me, “I just don’t want you to always be the bridesmaid and never the bride.”

Mind you, I had just ended an on-again-off-again relationship that had spanned 2 years up to that point and would continue for another year. I was pretty sure I would never meet another guy that I could “see myself” with.

Did I mention I was 19 and, ya know, all of life’s big decisions are supposed to be made by that age?

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I may have lived a bit of a dramatic life back in the day.

Looking back I truly believe this was the point in my life when God starting chipping away at the idol of relationships/marriage that I’ve struggled with for so long. He began teaching me that I am already a bride and that Jesus has already become my Bridegroom. As cliche as it may be, this is truth that cannot be taken away from me.

And here’s the cool thing about having Jesus as your husband–He fights for you.

One of the more notable sections of Scripture addressing marriage is in Ephesians 5. A couple years ago my pastor preached on Ephesians 5:25-27. I don’t remember if this was a series in Ephesians, on marriage, or what. I just know that I took some pprreettyy good notes that Sunday. Here’s a little nugget of how great my scribe skillz are:
-Christ fights for His bride
-my worth isn’t defined by what I bring to the table…Jesus brings everything
-I am loved by Christ and that is my identity
-Jesus is at war against the spots and wrinkles in my life–covering them, cleansing them–to make me & present me as spotless & beautiful

I’ve lived much of my life thinking that I’ll be complete once I find “the one.” Thanks Jerry MaGuire.

But the beautiful, freeing truth is that I cannot be complete and spotless outside of Christ.

It’s a lesson I’m still learning. Some days I still think that I need something other than Jesus. Some days I think that someone else can fight for me in a perfect way and present me without blemish. Some days I let others dictate my value.

Jesus already has. Jesus already does. Jesus always will.

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Apr 02 2014
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Wasting My Waiting & How I Don’t Like that Phrase

One thing I hear quite often as a single woman is, “how are you doing in your time of waiting?”

The initial sarcastic thought that comes to my mind is, “Well, it’s 3pm so I’m just waiting for supper…which is PRETTY ROUGH. I’m not doing well. Seriously.”

But what people are really asking about is, how am I handling waiting for my husband. I know the people that have asked me this question are well meaning. I know that they truly care about the state of my heart and how I’m handling being single. They love me enough to ask how my heart is, and whether or not I’m letting relationship status become an idol. Because I’ve let it become that in the past.

They don’t want me to “waste my waiting.” They don’t want to see me wallow in self-pity, wasting away time I could be using to serve and love those around me.

However, I really don’t like that phrasing, and here’s why: it implies that my life isn’t complete until the next season comes around (which is something I wrote about here). It implies that I’m waiting on something other than God.

Now, hear me out. I’m NOT saying that this type of phrasing is totally wrong. And I’m not saying others should stop asking the question. I need those questions asked of me. I need deep, Christ-centered fellowship in my life to rejoice with me when I rejoice, and weep with me when I weep (Romans 12:15).

As I’ve written previously, I think waiting is ingrained in who we are. We long for the next big thing. We desire the next step up whatever ladder we’re climbing.

What’s wrong is when I hear that phrase or question and fall back into that mindset of marriage being the ultimate end-goal. What’s wrong is when I ask someone that question and lead them to believe that something other than God is better than God.

A few verses before (what I’m assuming is) the most famous verse on “waiting”, Isaiah writes:

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One. (40:25)

This is in a section of scripture speaking to the greatness of God. The Holy One Himself is asking, “who is better? Where can you go to find something that comes close to me?”

My season of waiting will last for the rest of my earthly life. I can go nowhere to find something or someone to fill the void of desire that only Christ can. My heart longs for the day to be united with Christ in His presence.

But for now, I’m going to try to not waste my waiting. I’m going to keep my eyes fixed on the prize and purpose of my waiting: Jesus.

And if I get married, we’ll continue to wait together for the glorious day when our Bridegroom brings us home.

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