Tag Archives: dating

Jul 23 2014
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Cliches: Part 1

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By day I work as an administrative assistant.
By night I fight crime as Kaptain Kayla using the superpower of lulling people to sleep with random history facts. I digress.

My day job requires lots of tasks and details and getting things right. I spend a lot of time making sure that money adds up, dates are correct, formatting on documents line up, etc. It’s captivating stuff, really.

My point is, I know how to get things right. They may not be right the first time, but they get there. I can get the job done. I can do what needs to be done for the project to be completed and satisfactory.

I cannot, however, get myself right.

One of my least favorite cliches that seems to be used most often is: Just use this season of life to get yourself right before the Lord, then He’ll bring the right man along.

Pump the brakes please.

There’s just so much with this one I can barely handle it.

First of all, it’s implying that the only “good” that can come from a season of singleness is that I’ll end up with a man.

Secondly, it’s implying that I have to do something to “get right” with Jesus. I don’t know about your Bible, but mine says things like, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) I cannot do anything to get right with Jesus. It is a gift of grace. And that’s a GOOD thing. Because if it were up to me I’d fail miserably. First road block and I’d duck out. I’m reliable like that.

THIRDLY, it’s implying that the point of my life is to earn some holy brownie points with God so that He will give me a husband, making the goal of my life marriage. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s still a lesson I need to preach to myself constantly! The goal of my life is to become more like Jesus and glorify God in all I do.

I’ve been the #1 offender when it comes to giving the “advise” given above. Raise your hand if Kayla has ever said, “Use this time to get right with Jesus so He’ll bring the right man to your doorstep!” *every hand in the room is probably raised*

I’m not saying that a season of singleness shouldn’t be used to deepen your relationship with Christ because it should be. But let’s not confuse a desire to deepen our relationship with Christ for the sake of Christ, with the desire to manipulate our way in to a husband.

Seek Jesus for Jesus.

And remind me I give bad advise if I ever say that phrase to you again.

Question: What’s a cliche you’ve heard or said to someone else that might not be the greatest advise ever?

(To see the full Kristen Wiig sketch, click here!)

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Jul 16 2014
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Relationships

that time I only dated Jesus

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I want to start this off by saying the following words are only meant to reflect my heart and my experience, no one else’s.

Okay, let us begin.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, I went to college and got really enlightened in the realm of Christian anti-dating campaigns. So much so, I joined up every chance I got. My favorite female Christian musicians did not casually date. As in, they did not date at all. Instead, the decided to not date until they had met the man they would marry. I read books that told me to side-hug dating goodbye, or something like that. I read tons of articles online about dating Jesus and how that was really superior to dating a man-boy.

I learned a lot about how I was probably a more holy person if I decided to not date at all, so I didn’t.

I was a part of the, “I’m better than you because I don’t date” club. I’m not sure what our national membership number was, but it was probably pretty high.

I distinctly remember a time when a young high school girl, who didn’t know me (we had just been introduced), asked if I had a boyfriend. Instead of just saying no, I dropped the guilt bomb on her: “Oh,” Kayla scowled as the innocent, unknowing teen looked on with great interest, “I don’t date.”

What my face and body language told her that my words didn’t was, “Oh, I don’t date. Because I’m above that. I’m better than dating. People who date are not cool people.”

I was a real winner like that.

I had turned what most people (like my favorite musicians and authors of well-meaning books) had meant for good, into a shame-inducing snarky lifestyle.

When I would explain to people that I was “dating Jesus” I wouldn’t do it with humility. I wouldn’t explain that dating relationships were an idol in my life and I really wanted Jesus to be my source of satisfaction. I wouldn’t share that it was a personal decision and that if you did date, it was fine, Jesus still loved you. I would, however, act like a total cotton-headed-ninny-muggins.

I think my point in all of this is that it’s okay to just date Jesus. It’s okay to have a season of life when you intentionally don’t pursue a relationship with someone because you feel the need to be close to the Lord. It’s necessary to put Christ above a boyfriend.
It’s not okay to shame other people in to your way of thinking, or to act like you are a superior human being because you’ve made a spiritual decision.

Don’t act like you’re life choices make you a better person. Jesus makes you a better person. So tell people about Him and how great His love is for us. That’s really the only thing that matters.

To see the lovely Maharelle Sisters all the way from the Finger Lakes, click here!

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Apr 02 2014
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Wasting My Waiting & How I Don’t Like that Phrase

One thing I hear quite often as a single woman is, “how are you doing in your time of waiting?”

The initial sarcastic thought that comes to my mind is, “Well, it’s 3pm so I’m just waiting for supper…which is PRETTY ROUGH. I’m not doing well. Seriously.”

But what people are really asking about is, how am I handling waiting for my husband. I know the people that have asked me this question are well meaning. I know that they truly care about the state of my heart and how I’m handling being single. They love me enough to ask how my heart is, and whether or not I’m letting relationship status become an idol. Because I’ve let it become that in the past.

They don’t want me to “waste my waiting.” They don’t want to see me wallow in self-pity, wasting away time I could be using to serve and love those around me.

However, I really don’t like that phrasing, and here’s why: it implies that my life isn’t complete until the next season comes around (which is something I wrote about here). It implies that I’m waiting on something other than God.

Now, hear me out. I’m NOT saying that this type of phrasing is totally wrong. And I’m not saying others should stop asking the question. I need those questions asked of me. I need deep, Christ-centered fellowship in my life to rejoice with me when I rejoice, and weep with me when I weep (Romans 12:15).

As I’ve written previously, I think waiting is ingrained in who we are. We long for the next big thing. We desire the next step up whatever ladder we’re climbing.

What’s wrong is when I hear that phrase or question and fall back into that mindset of marriage being the ultimate end-goal. What’s wrong is when I ask someone that question and lead them to believe that something other than God is better than God.

A few verses before (what I’m assuming is) the most famous verse on “waiting”, Isaiah writes:

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One. (40:25)

This is in a section of scripture speaking to the greatness of God. The Holy One Himself is asking, “who is better? Where can you go to find something that comes close to me?”

My season of waiting will last for the rest of my earthly life. I can go nowhere to find something or someone to fill the void of desire that only Christ can. My heart longs for the day to be united with Christ in His presence.

But for now, I’m going to try to not waste my waiting. I’m going to keep my eyes fixed on the prize and purpose of my waiting: Jesus.

And if I get married, we’ll continue to wait together for the glorious day when our Bridegroom brings us home.

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