Category Archives: Relationships

Feb 18 2015
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Relationships

the tricky monster that will make or break us

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Tonight I’d like to take a slight right turn off of Singles Lane and spend some time driving down Relationship Ave.

(That’s code for tonight isn’t just about dating…it’s about all sorts of relationships with all sorts of people.)

I think there’s a really powerful monster that we all carry around in our back pockets on a daily basis. We can use it to deepen relationships, it can drive us to building really thick walls around our hearts, and – I believe – we can subtly use it to manipulate people to get what we want.

I’m talking about vulnerability.

Manipulation Station:

At one time in my life I had a ‘friend’ who asked me to coffee to try to get to know me better. This person was very sweet in their meaning, but once we got in to conversation they started getting a little more vulnerable with me (to a point) then pushed until I opened up with them. Looking back, they were totally in control of the conversation. They would open up and share some “dark” part of their story with the hopes that I would share something revealing about mine. And me, in my people pleasing ways, totally played in to it. I felt that the only way to get this person to either – 1) like me, or 2) leave me alone – was to spill some of the most private parts of my life.

I left that coffee shop feeling very uneasy and used.

Looking back, I truly feel as if I was manipulated into sharing things about myself I just wasn’t ready to share.

And if I think back hard enough, chances are I’ve done that with others. I’ve used fake vulnerability – or controlled confession – to get information from people with the motive of simply having that information.

Vulnerability shouldn’t be a tool used to get some news to gossip about. It’s much too precious to use in that way.

Brick Wall:

When being vulnerable leads to us being burned, the next natural phase is to build up some pretty thick walls in order to “guard our hearts”…or simply keep others out. Just like being manipulated, I think others can abuse our vulnerability with them causing us to distrust all people. If someone burns me, it just adds to my original assumption that I can’t open up to people in general.

In relationships this can cause a HUGE issue. If I’m not willing to take down my wall – even if it’s brick by brick – then I will get NO.WHERE. fast. I cannot grow in friendship, dating relationship, sibling-hood (is that a thing?), as a family member…basically, I can’t grow if all I’m ever doing is adding to the wall around my heart, keeping me from being vulnerable.

Vulnerability – or being burned by it – shouldn’t be an excuse to keep others out. It’s much too precious to use that way.

Deep Waters:

“Connection is why we’re here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives. (And) in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Really seen.” – Brené Brown

Brené isn’t a follower of Jesus. But I wholeheartedly agree with her.

Vulnerability, at it’s simplest definition, is allowing ourselves to be really seen. Deep connection occurs when we allow people to really see us. When we are truly vulnerable in the purest way.

Personally, outside of connection with Jesus, I’ve had this happen with a handful of people in my life.

And in those instances, when I have allowed myself to be really seen, it has transformed my relationships. It has opened my eyes to how life with others should work. It has challenged me to be a better sister, daughter, friend…person.

And allowing, above all, Jesus to really see me has made me more complete. It has healed the deepest parts of my soul. It has started to chip away at the bricks I’ve piled up around my heart. It has allowed greater love to well up inside me for others.

It has made me more human.

You have kept count of my tossing; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? (Psalm 56:8)

I love this verse. I love that God sees us. Really sees us. And we can trust Him with our vulnerability. We can let Him in and become more of our true selves.

And in turn, we can be more of our true selves with others and honestly connect. And maybe, just maybe, show Jesus to those around us by the way we love and connect with each other.

Take a few minutes to watch Brené Brown’s TED talk. Again, she isn’t a follower of Jesus, but what she says here is AWESOME!

Also, if you like what you read, would you share with someone you think might also like it?! Gracias.

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Feb 04 2015
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Relationships

50 shades of no thank you

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I’m not totally sure if you’re aware of a certain movie that is coming out on a certain weekend fairly soon, but if you haven’t heard of it (or you don’t understand what I’m alluding to) then you probably don’t watch much television or listen to people talk. Maybe I’m the only eavesdropper in the crowd. I don’t know.

ANYWAYS, I will not be watching that movie. Nor will I be reading the book. (is there more than 1? Don’t know, don’t care).

And here’s why:

It paints an unhealthy picture of what sex is and sets us women up for emotional attachment to an object/ideal that will never satisfy and will ultimately leave us more empty than we could probably imagine.

Take this from someone who has struggled with romanticizing and fantasizing about love, life, intimacy, etc.

It never ends well.

If you are a woman and you’ve read these books, or have watched other movies that appeal to our physical nature, please don’t pretend to tell me that you came out on the other side for the better. You will never be able to convince me that this form of “entertainment” is nothing short of lady-porn that for whatever reason our society allows us to go crazy over.

I’ve read enough of the plot summary on wikipedia to know that, as followers of Jesus, this is something we need to stay away from.

I’m not saying this because I believe movies or books are bad. Ask anyone who knows me and you will quickly find out that I am one of the biggest movie fanatics out there.

I’m not saying this because I’m an over-the-top legalistic jerk that doesn’t believe in extravagant grace and redemption in all areas of life.

I’m saying all of this because I care about how we view intimacy. I care about the thoughts I have towards what sex should be within the covenant of marriage. I care about the marriages of my friends and that they keep their desires (deep desires) for their spouses.

I’m saying this because I care about you, and I deeply believe that you cannot expose yourself to this book/movie (or others like it…I’m talking to you, Tatum) without becoming entangled in sin. And not just sin – but sin that goes deep within oneself. Sin that can take years to work through.

Can Jesus redeem me from sins of the flesh? Absolutely. Not only can He, He has.

But should I continue to spit in His face as I pursue the idols of lust, sex, and selfish desires? Not at all.

I’m not trying to be a prude, or a legalist. I’m also not saying we should have a book burning in the fireplace to rid ourselves of these things. I realize they are part of our culture and that I shouldn’t expect people who don’t love Jesus to understand where I’m coming from.

I’m just trying to love Jesus better. And in my eyes that means staying away from the theatre next weekend.

May our eyes stay fixed on the cross, on Jesus, and may His deep, profound, and divinely intimate love be enough.

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Jan 21 2015
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Relationships

a Ross & Rachel kind of love

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I’ve spent a fair amount of the new year watching “Friends” on Netflix. (PS, THANK YOU Netflix for FiNALLY streaming this beloved series)

The more I watch, the more I fall in love with this show. Super witty, heartfelt at times, and just down right fun.

And also, there’s Ross & Rachel.

Even if you’ve never seen a minute of Friends, if you live in America and are over the age of 12, you’ve heard of Ross & Rachel and know about their frantic, often confusing, on-again-off-again relationship. It’s possibly the most notable storyline of the show. I cried the first time they broke up (last week).

However, as unpopular as these next words will be, I’m not a huge fan of their relationship. I don’t really want a Ross & Rachel kind of love.

They can’t seem to trust each other. They are extremely jealous at times (see: trust). They can be manipulative. I’ll just stop there while I still have some friends of my own left (no pun intended).

Yet, as I think about it, I kind of do have a Ross & Rachel kind of love. I can’t think of a relationship I’ve been in where I have always been 100% trusting, non-jealous, and not manipulative to some degree. But I don’t want that. I want to love in such a way that trust is easy and I don’t have to maneuver my way around to keep the guy.

And the only way this is possible is with Jesus.

Apart from security in Christ, I’m never going to trust someone. Apart from identity in Jesus, I won’t be able to keep myself from manipulating another human.

When I come to fully know the love my Jesus has for me, I can then know how to love another person fully. I can see how unlovable, untrustworthy, and undeserving I am, yet still chosen. I can act out of that great love, because Christ completes me. And chances are I’ll have a love greater than Ross & Rachel.

Now pardon me, I have another episode to watch.

*enjoy this fun little video montage of the lovebirds from the internets here!

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Jan 07 2015
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Friendship, Relationships

to showing up

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I’m a huge Sophia Bush fan. I fell in love with her as Brooke Davis on One Tree Hill, I deeply admire her desire to change the world and people’s lives through her ‘activist’ efforts (she’s involved with Pencils of Promise, I Am That Girl, etc.), and I love her voice. Seriously. I’d just like to have her read a book on tape for me to listen to all the time.

I also follow her on instagram. Truthfully, I follow her on every platform of social media the two of us share. Follow may not be the word. If there were a word for “I wonder what Sophia’s doing today, I’m going to go check all the things,” then that would be the right word.

Recently she’s been posting pictures on Instagram with the hashtag #toshowingup. It’s typically in correlation with something she’s done with her close friends, or an adventure she’s been on recently. And it got me thinking.

Do I show up?
Am I present with people?
Am I available when it’s inconvenient to me?
Do I live life in such a way that makes it worth showing up to?

And as a Christian, what does this mean? Does showing up in Gospel rhythm matter in people’s lives?

I think it means that we rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep, bear one another’s burdens, call out sin in people’s lives, allow people to call out sin in our lives, go on big adventures to see God in the unknown places of the world and in our hearts. I think it means just that – we show up. We show up with one another, we show up with ourselves, and most importantly, we show up with God.

We go to God and say, “Here I am, Lord. Forgive me, change me, send me, use me.”

We open our selves up and say, “Today is not about me. Today is about loving God and loving others. Love Him and let Him love you, now go and do likewise.”

We be with others and say, “I’m with you, you aren’t alone, now let’s go have an adventure.”

We show up.

So here’s to that. Here’s to newness, and livelihood, and joy. To showing up.

*Sophia hasn’t been on SNL that I know of, so this hilarious throwback of Tina & Amy as the Bush twins (not related to Sophia) will have to suffice. ALSO, my ladies are hosting the Globes this Sunday so it’s appropriate. And ALSO again, Chicago P.D. makes it’s winter premier tonight so it’s timely that I write about Sophia 🙂 Okay. That’s all for now. I think.

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Dec 31 2014
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Relationships

misconceptions of marriage: part 3 – devotion to the Lord alone

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Welp, here it is – the last post of Whit’s series, the last post of 2014, and the post that marks the 1 year anniversary of the blog. As I’ve mentioned in weeks past, I’m so glad we’ve been able to learn from my dear friend these few weeks, and I pray that the Spirit would speak to us all and draw us into Christ as the year comes to a close. In starting this blog a year ago my desire was to learn who I am in Jesus for the sake of Jesus – to go to God just to get God. I’m glad Whit gets to close out the year sharing her heart in marriage, and that it’s all the same: whether we are single, married, divorced, whatever…the goal is Jesus, always. Enjoy the blog and we’ll see you in 2015!

With New Years Eve here, it seems like so many people are getting engaged. It is an exciting time for them as their whole world changes with the future of marriage on the horizon. With pictures of engagement rings, beaming faces, and happy couples it can be a trying time for those looking in from the outside. Engagement is wonderful….but there are many misconceptions with engagement and marriage.

So let’s us continue to go through the top 5 Misconceptions about marriage. Here are the 2 misconceptions we addressed last week:

#1 Finances Misconception

#2 Misconceptions of Loneliness
You can read about those misconceptions in the blog from last week by clicking here.

Are there more than these 5 misconceptions within marriage? Certainly. But I think you will catch onto the essence of truth in the 5 misconceptions: marriage is great, but it should point you to a greater relationship: Jesus.

#3 Misconceptions of Sex: “Once you are married you and your spouse will not struggle with temptation or lust; sex will complete you and make you happy.”

I wish this was true. But it’s not. Lust creeps into marriage, and satan is constantly trying to tempt and drive a wedge between husband and wife. Pornography is an ever present danger, that can entice and lure even the most noble of spouses. Look at this proverb, lust seduces and can deceive quickly—whether single or married we must be careful to protect ourselves from the temptations of lust.

Proverbs 7: 21-23 “With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life.”

Sex does not complete you. Sex is an amazing part of marriage, but it doesn’t complete you. Jesus Christ as your personal savior completes you. Sex is designed by God and is meant to join husband and wife and help them to become one, like Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32).

Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

#4 Misconceptions of Insecurities: “What I’ve done, the sins I have committed, make me not good enough for marriage; that I won’t be accepted; that God is holding out on me.”

Beloved, if this is your misconception of marriage know that I am praying for you. This misconception breaks my heart. This is a straight up LIE. This is a lie from satan that you won’t be acceptable before God or from a potential spouse. There is nothing we have done to earn the love of Christ, yet He still loves us —–grace upon grace (John 1:16). And that is a picture of the kind of spouse you want, the kind of spouse that is centered on Christ, will not hold past sins against you, but forgive you. That is the kind of potential spouse you should date, someone who shows you the grace of Christ.

My hubby loves me, and forgives me for my past mistakes. He does not hold those over my head and make me feel unacceptable. He shows me the grace of Christ daily, grace upon grace.

God is not holding out on you. God loves you and has a plan for your life. You are not acceptable because of what you do; you are acceptable to God because of Christ alone.

 Romans 14:18 “Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men.”

#5 Misconceptions of Completion or feeling “Good Enough”: “If I’m married to a man that has made a covenant to love me always in front of God and man, then I will always feel good enough around him.”

Again I wish this misconception was true. Wouldn’t it be nice to always feel good enough from your spouse? But as much as my wonderful hubs loves me, he does not complete me. Christ alone completes me. I need to be fully devoted to my savior, and sometimes in marriage it can be challenging to not put your spouse before Christ because your interests can be divided:  

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”

I struggle with not feeling good enough, but my husband cannot solve this problem for me. Sure he can tell me he loves me, or I am pretty, or good at my job, or that I make a good dinner…but no matter the amount of flattery I am still insecure at times, especially when I burn dinner or have a bad hair day. Insecurity is me believing the lie that I am not good enough…having anxiety about myself. God’s word is clear. I am not to be anxious about anything, neither are you, God commands us not to be anxious/worried/insecure:

Matthew 6:31-34 “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

We can rest assured that we are secure in Christ, and not our own efforts, looks, jobs, or cooking abilities. And that is where you can find your security, not in a marriage but in Jesus Christ.

I don’t know where you are in your thoughts of marriage…maybe you think marriage is the ultimate, and that those that are married have it all. Maybe you are married and confused why it seems like everyone else’s marriages “look” perfect, and yours is in disarray. Maybe you think marriage sounds like a prison cell, and you are with your “ball and chain” for life. Or maybe you honestly don’t see the point in marriage, and consider it old-fashioned. Wherever you are coming into reading this, my prayer is that you would begin to see marriage for what God intended it to be: a relationship to point you towards Him.

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