Category Archives: Relationships

Jun 25 2014
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Relationships

the perfect relationship

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I dated a guy once that told me he didn’t think I was being my “real self” with him. He knew me for quite a while before we dated, so he had seen glimpses of my personality prior to us being in a dating relationship. And he was probably right. I tried to photoshop my life by fixing all of the things I saw as imperfections. I tried to make myself perfect so in turn I could have the perfect relationship.

I was SURE I was dating the perfect man, so if I just fixed myself, I could manipulate my way around what would end up being the perfect relationship. No flaws, just blissful love.

Not sure if you’re aware of this or not, but humans are sinful. Two humans together does not equal sinlessness. No matter how perfect I pretend to be, it doesn’t get rid of my sin.

Expecting perfection also puts unrealistic expectations on the person I’m dating. To assume that this man is without sin and will never hurt me/tick me off/make me cry/drink the last Dr. Pepper is dumb. Just really really really really really so dumb.

The only “cure” to this pesky little desire of perfection is to look to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12) and allow Him to transform my heart, making me more like Himself.

Expecting perfection in a relationship isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to my significant other and it isn’t fair to me.

Instead of expecting perfection, I need to expect grace. I need to be ready to extend it when I’m hurt, and I need to be ready to receive it when I’ve done the hurting.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy & beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.-Colossians 3:12-14

I don’t put on perfection. I put on Jesus and let Him work in me.

(to see the full SNL skit where the picture above was snatched from, click here!)

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May 28 2014
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Relationships

i am not the point of my life

This past weekend I had the privilege of being on the camp staff for the Fellowship of Christian Athletes College Weekend of Champions. (To see a couple minutes of how awesome it was, click here!)

While at CWC I sat on a panel with 5 other women to field and answer questions from a room full of female college athletes. Any guesses as to what topic we discussed for the first 40 minutes?!

If you guessed hunting you are wrong. It was relationships!

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Shocker, right?!

There were tons of really good, deep questions. For one of the questions, I can’t remember what it was exactly, but my mouth opened and I answered. My answer to whatever was asked was, “What’s the point of my life? Is the goal of my life to get married, or is it to live in obedience to the Lord?”

I really caught myself off guard with that one, but I realized that’s really what God has been teaching me over the past couple of years. He’s been gently asking me the question, over and over again, “Kayla, what is the point of your life?”

And He’s been so kind in reminding my heart that I am not the point of my life. My life is not to be self-serving and all about me. Even if I get married, my life will still not be about me! It will be about loving my husband and submitting to him as his wife. It won’t be about how he can complete me and fulfill my every need.

I think sometimes we can get caught up in the assumption that being a follower of Christ is all about us. That He owes us something. That we’re entitled to His love.

If His love were based on entitlement, I would be the farthest from receiving it. Apart from Jesus, I am nothing. My life does not belong to me. And the point of my life is not to seek after earthly pleasures that will leave me empty.

Now, am I anti-marriage? Absolutely not! If God has the gift of marriage planned for my life, then I will gladly accept. BUT the point of my life is not marriage. It’s Jesus.

And apart from Jesus, marriage isn’t even that great.*

*and I say this after many discussions with married people that really love Jesus. Stay tuned this summer for some legit guests posts from some of them!

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Apr 16 2014
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Relationships

When Purity is about more than just not “Doin It”

It should be noted that I’m not mature enough to type out the technical term for “doin it” yet. I still giggle a little when I say it out loud.

I may still be a middle schooler.

Since I’m a girl and I grew up in a conservative church, I’ve had the “purity talk” many, many times. My entire adolescence was filled with True Love Waits rallies, awkward discussions about sexual activity, and talks about saving myself for marriage.

The problem with all of this was that I never knew why. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to “do it” with anyone but my husband, but the only motivation I had to wait until marriage was that God would be unhappy with me and I’d never be able to be redeemed from that sin.

I recently read a book by Beth Moore called “So Long Insecurity.” I can’t recommend this book highly enough for all the ladies in the house tonight. In it, Beth discusses our roots of insecurity, types of insecurity, identity issues, and what it looks like to fight to overcome insecurity.

In my journal I have the following quote from that book written down:

Contrary to the claims of our sensual culture, we were not created merely for sexual gratification.

What I love about this quote is that it’s reaffirming that I was not created for myself. But guess what, I wasn’t necessarily created for my husband either. I was created to bring glory to God.

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.-Romans 12:1

My life–mind, body, spirit–is made to be a living sacrifice to the Lord.

But here’s the kicker. Purity in my life and relationships doesn’t mean just don’t have sex. (Ugh. I said it. And now I’m giggling) It doesn’t mean to find the line of what I can & cannot do with my boyfriend.

Purity goes beyond that. It means that I choose to chase after Jesus over chasing after a line that I may or may not cross with a guy. It means that I am held accountable to people around me that know my struggles of the flesh. It means that my motive is no longer to please myself, but to please God. It means that I was not created merely for sexual gratification, but that I was created to glorify God in my body (1 Corinthians 6:20).*

And for those of us that have struggled with sexual sin, guess what…we CAN be redeemed from that! We HAVE been redeemed from that!

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Jesus has made us–all of us–new. We can live in the freedom that He provides. We can chose to run away from the line and into the arms of Christ.

Purity is about more than just not doin it. Purity is about chasing after Jesus because He is better.

*I couldn’t have a post about sexual purity and not put something from 1 Corinthians in it. #typical

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Apr 09 2014
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Relationships

Loving Myself More Than You

First of all, “Back Here” by BBMak just started playing on my Pandora station. Excuse me while I have a mental sing-a-long in the middle of Starbucks and revert back to a teenage girl.

Okay. I’m back.

I’ve found that I am a pretty selfish person. I like myself quite a bit. It can be easy for me to get so caught up in my “problems” that I neglect loving and serving those around me.

And when I say “problems,” I mean it in the loosest sense of the word. I get caught up in singleness, unhappiness, pride, things that you could dub #firstworldproblems.

When Jesus called me into His Kingdom, He did not call me to self-centered pity parties to be thrown on the regular. When I allow myself to get caught up in things like being single, it takes away from the service that Christ HAS called me to.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.-John 13:34-35

Notice that Jesus doesn’t say, “all people will know you are my disciples, if you have love for yourself.”
He commands us to love one another.

I don’t know about you, but I find loving others pretty hard when I’m super caught up in my own junk and all I dwell on is how rough I have it.

Newsflash: I don’t have it that bad.

I have been redeemed by Jesus. Which, last time I checked, means that I have been called to freedom (Galatians 5:1) from feeling bad about myself. The Most High loves me enough to save me from my sins, and in return I am to love others. Not wade in the pool of self-deprecation that would be easy for me to hang out in.

It’s easy to rest in the misery of being single and watching everyone around you get married and start a family and go on awesome vacations and live in cool places and…[insert other things I’m not currently doing here]. (Also, I use the word misery in a sarcastic way. My life isn’t miserable. I had enchiladas for lunch today, so….yeah…life is pretty great.)

It’s harder to put others before myself and generously love them in spite of my emotions. But that’s what Jesus has called us to. Love of others, not love of self.

Question: how does being caught up in singleness/unhappiness/fill in the blank keep me from loving & serving those around me? How can I set my selfishness aside and love deeper this week?

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Mar 26 2014
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Relationships

The Process of Maniupulation

Remember last week when I talked about using my high level of holiness to get the guy? Well, this week I’m going to talk about how I was pretty sure I could manipulate God with my prayers.

Ever heard the phrase, “blind love”? Yeah…we’ll blame it on that…

At one point in the past I was dating someone that I could have seen myself marrying at the time. Going in to the relationship I really wanted it to be different than the relationships I had been in previously. I desired for this go-round to be God-honoring, making Christ the center of our lives individually and collectively.

And I pretty much faked myself out for the majority of the relationship.

I recently looked through my journal from that time period and saw pages flooded with prayers that said things like, “Lord, please draw us both in to you,” and “Father, my desire is to honor You and You alone,” and also, “God if this ever becomes about anything other than You, I pray You end it.”

Shortly after this relationship ended (and when I say shortly, I mean the next day), I read Timothy Keller’s book “Counterfeit Gods.” Through reading this book I began to realize that I was trying to manipulate God with my prayers. Even though I was praying “Christian-y” prayers, my heart was saying something completely different. My desire wasn’t necessarily to honor God, it was just to be with this man. In my heart what I meant was, “Lord, I really like this guy, and You know that…so, just make it happen. We both love You, and this ‘season of dating’ is just for kicks. I know we’re both good to go with You.”

My deepest hearts desire during that season was just to get through and move on to the next stage with this guy. I thought that just because I was praying ‘good prayers’ about my relationship that it would work out my way. I didn’t really care what God’s way was at the time. I was saying/writing these prayers just to look good to God and to keep the guy. Did you catch the part earlier when I said the relationship ended? Yeah, wasn’t the best plan.

So what’s the point in this story? Don’t make prayer all about you. When Jesus teaches His disciples how to pray in Matthew chapter 6 (aka The Lord’s Prayer), He doesn’t tell them to fake God out and to pray with selfish motives. He tells them to recognize God’s holiness and praise Him for it, to seek God’s will, to pray for daily provision, to pray for forgiveness, to seek what God has for them, not what they have for God.

Now, do I believe we should go to the Father with our concerns, desires, etc.? Yes. But do I think I should continue in a pattern of trying to fake God out to get what I want? No.

My challenge for the week: be honest with yourself and your motives in your prayer life. Is prayer a way for God to shape you or for you to shape God?

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