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Aug 26 2024
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give us your efficiency

As a follower of Jesus, one of the practices that settles me into my day is prayer.
As a follower of Jesus that also works in ministry and inhabits a lot of ‘Christian’ spaces, one of the practices that occurs quite a bit in said spaces is prayer.

Recently the opportunity was offered for someone to pray as we began a meeting and within that prayer, the pray-er said, “Give us Your efficiency.”

I don’t remember what else he prayed, but I wrote that line down immediately.

It wasn’t a request to mold our efforts into something God would bless.
It wasn’t a request to make our paths clear or our ideas creative.

It was a request for efficiency.

To be efficient means to achieve maximum productivity with minimum wasted effort. At least that’s what dictionary.com tells me.

I don’t think about God being efficient. I think about Him as kind, loving, gracious, steadfast, merciful, present…but efficient has never been a term I’ve listed out when it comes to talking about God.

Yet.

He is.

He is the most efficient. He doesn’t waste a ding dang thang that He does.

The working power of God displays His efficiency in all He has created and all He has done. From His initial act of creation, to His presence with the Israelites, to His words delivered by the Prophets, to the incarnation of Christ, to the crucifixion, to the burial, to the resurrection, to the ascension, to the expansion of His Kingdom on earth, to His working in and among His people today, God’s efforts are maximally productive and minimally wasted. To go on and on about all of that in this space would take far too long, so let’s grab a bevvy and chat about it instead.

In a season of life where my own efforts seem to be minimally productive and maximally wasted (yes, I’m exaggerating a teeny tiny bit), I can ask God for His efficiency. And when I am open to receiving His efficiency, I’m more able to see that all of life lived in an effort to honor God is maximally productive and minimally wasted.

The productivity of my life isn’t reduced to tasks I can cross off a list or accomplishments I can add to my resume.
In God’s economy, His efficiency makes sure my days and my efforts are not wasted, but are instead an addition to the Kingdom at work in the world around me.

A life submitted to the lordship and love of Jesus allows grace to abound more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined.
When the milestones aren’t reached, the dishes aren’t done, the weight isn’t lost, the promotion isn’t received, and the [insert all the things here], God’s efficiency still tells me at the end of the day, “Hey, good job. You lived in my love today. All will be well. Let’s do it again tomorrow.”

So I’ve started asking God more and more for His efficiency. I want to be an efficient member of His Kingdom, but on His terms.
And I think His terms are simply, follow me.

That seems like the most efficient life I could ever ask for.

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Apr 03 2024
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disruptive peace

First off, yes, I know it’s April and no, my Christmas tree is not still up. And B) for all the liturgical nerds out there, yes, I know the third/pink candle represents joy and I’m here talking about peace, but

(I’m not starving, but this is accurate)

If anything, this pic is a representation of how long I’ve been thinking about this idea of disruptive peace. Two words that typically don’t go together.

They’ve been stuck in my head for months.

This weird idea of disruption throwing you out of sorts, but peace bringing you…well…peace, and how weirdly, peace has disrupted my life.

I love lighting advent candles. I love the glow of the tree (obviously), the early morning light, staring at the flame with a cup of coffee in hand.
I love that week by week, we add more. The anticipation of all four candles being lit is such a delight to me. I love that by the fourth week, the first candle is burned so far down, but still lights with its companions.

The advent candles represent a journey for me. And this year the journey has been specifically toward peace.

You see, I’m a person that can get really worked up. Walking out of the gym and seeing a vehicle parked in a spot that the driver just decided to make into a parking spot, when it’s clearly not a parking spot, works me up to the point that I say something to my friend multiple days in a row and finally got the chance to make very aggressive eye contact to which I took FULL advantage.

Again, I can get really worked up. And it’s often over dumb stuff like a parking spot that has no actual affect (or is it effect?) impact on my life.

But it can also be about relationships, or lack thereof.
Job performance.
Health issues.
Car trouble.
Etc.
Etc.

It’s very easy and natural for me to lean into anxiety. To give myself over to the negative and worrisome storylines in my head that may or may not be true.

So a few months ago when I started having issues in relationships
Job performance
Health
Car
Etc.
Etc.
and I wasn’t getting worked up, it was disruptive.

I’ll spare you all the details, unless you want to buy me a beverage and do nothing but listen to me ramble for 2-6 hours, but let’s just say 2023 was a doozy. She was not my favorite. The ending of 2023 was quite frankly:

Yet, it was peaceful.

It was peacefully the worst.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:4-7 (CSB)

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." - Philippians 4:6-7 (MSG)

This peace that I was feeling in the midst of a hellish season was disruptive.

It disrupted my normal thought patterns.
It disrupted my anxiety.
It disrupted the way I typically deal with stressors in my world.

Now don’t get me wrong – I had plenty of breakdowns and tears and commiseration sessions with myself and others. It was not a sunshine and rainbows kind of hellish season.

But not once did I wonder if the peace of Christ was near. I knew in my bones that it was. I knew that Christ peacefully held my breakdowns and tears and commiseration sessions. In fact, I believe He was right there with me. I believe Holy Spirit – the Helper – was helping me breakdown and cry and commiserate, to put to death the pain, disappointment, anger, and so much more that was inside.

And before I knew it, a sense of God’s wholeness settled me down.

I don’t think when Paul was writing to the Philippians about the peace of Christ he was talking about a hunky-dory, whistle while you work kind of life.
I don’t think he was talking about nothing every bothering you or causing you stress or worry ever again for the rest of all time.
I think he was talking about life with Christ that settles your mind, heart, and soul even when everything is falling apart.
Not to dismiss the falling apart, but to acknowledge that Jesus disrupts the destruction as things fall apart and holds you near.
I think Paul was talking about what happened to me over the last few months, and I sure do hope this peace keeps disrupting my life in the best of ways.

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Feb 09 2024
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honoring where you are, today

I never in my life thought I would be a group fitness class girlie. So much so that I loudly declared in August of 2019 that I would **never** go to a gym that only offered group fitness classes. The ego of a former collegiate athlete is so cute sometimes.

Cut to 3 months after that declaration, I was in a group fitness class. And I have quite literally never looked back. I can’t get enough.

Side note: I’ve learned to stop saying I’ll never do something.

One of the things I’ve come to deeply appreciate about these classes is that instructors/coaches/hype girls will start the class with a standard rundown of what’s about to happen and wrap up their intro speech with a version of, “Every day is different, so honor where you are, today.”

While their encouragement is to engage in the class the best way you and your body can for that day, it struck a different chord with me last week.

One of the downfalls of being a person in the world today (I think I can generalize what I’m about to say…) is that we’re expected to beat yesterday. “The only competition you have is yesterday’s version of yourself!”
“You’re only as good as your next rep!”
“Last quarter your numbers were higher than they are currently…”
“You were fine last week and nothing has changed, so what gives?”

The hustle lyfe tells us that our growth patterns have to look like this:

When realistically, it looks like this:

I think we all know that the point of life is progress, not perfection. I think we all know that it’s not linear. But the stories I often tell myself communicate that if I’m not winning the day, then I’m failing. And not only failing, but potentially a failure. If I’m not better than I was yesterday in all aspects of life – spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, financial – then I’m not trying. I’m lazy. I’m wasting what God has given me.

We don’t leave much space for grace, and growth, and learning.
For ourselves and for others.

Some days we need a breath. Our bodies, our minds, our relationships, our pocketbooks (do we still call them pocketbooks??) need a chance to rest. To settle for ‘barely getting by’ instead of a PR.

In even writing ‘barely getting by’ I feel like I’m missing my own point.

A break, a breath, a rest is written into the fabric of the universe. 

"By the seventh day God had finished his work. On the seventh day he rested from all his work. God blessed the seventh day. He made it a Holy Day because on that day he rested from his work, all the creating God had done. This is the story of how it all started." - Genesis 2:1-4 (MSG)

It all started with honoring the day, today.

In honoring where I’m at today, I’m admitting my humanity and the reality that I cannot live a life of striving. I’m honoring the holiness of the opportunity to rest and trust that God holds all things together by the power of His Word. I’m admitting that I have limitations, and that I, in fact, am not God. It’s not a failure if you don’t win the day.

I want to celebrate when I crush it, because I love crushing it.
But I also want to celebrate that I remain whole and held when I don’t.
I want to honor God’s great and abundant love for me that I have simply because He said so, not because I beat who I was yesterday.

Instead of asking myself what can I accomplish today, I want to start asking how I can honor who I am today. How can I honor where I’m at in the story of God’s love. How can I honor the world that God has placed me in. Do I want to grow spiritually, mentally, physically, etc? Yeah. Of course. I’d love to use a heavier kettlebell sometime in the future. But if that gets in the way of honoring the story I’m living in, then nah. No thanks.

I’m sure there’s more to say, and different ways to say it, but this is what I have for today. Honoring where we are starts right now.

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Jan 01 2024
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2023: yet.

“In that day you will sing: ‘I will praise you, O Lord! You were angry with me, but not anymore. Now you comfort me. See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.’
With joy you will drink deeply from the fountain of salvation! In that wonderful day you will sing: ‘Thank you Lord! Praise his name! Tell the nations what he has done. Let them know how mighty he is! Sing to the Lord, for he has done wonderful things. Make known his praise around the world. Let all the people of Jerusalem shout his praise with joy! For great is the Holy One of Israel who lives among you.'”
-Isaiah 12 (NLT)

Welcome to the highly anticipated Word of the Year Recap for 2023. The one where I have no idea where it’s gonna go.

I’ve been choosing a word for the year for probably a decade or so. You can read previous recaps if you’d like. Just look for posts on every January 1st or so. Or don’t. I’m not the boss of you.

2023’s word was “Yet.” I chose it as a summation of Isaiah 12. For me, reading this passage, it’s like a “this is reality, yet something new is coming…”
“Here’s where we are, yet God is still working…”
“You might be downtrodden now, yet there will come a day when you can say, ‘See, God has come to save me.'”

Yes, XYZ is true now, yet the day is on the horizon where you will, with joy, drink deeply from the fountain of salvation.

Yet. has been my way of acknowledging reality while holding on to hope. Not burying my head in the sand when things were hard or putting on a façade of gleeful ignorance.

2023 held a lot of confrontation for me – confronting the reality of my life in front of me with the reality of the Love within me.

It has been hard, holy work.
It still is hard, holy work.

I think 2023 – the yet – can best be summed up by one of my favorite songs. May the tension leave you longing for the yet as we take on life and Love in 2024.

Oct 11 2023
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back to my roots

This January will mark 10 years of writing random thoughts and opinions on this here blog of mine. My first post, ringing in the new year of 2014, introduced my desire to have a discussion on singleness in the church. I survived purity culture and was ready to thrive. And I think I have…thriven? Irregardless…

Over time the blog and my writing morphed. There was a shift where I wanted to talk about more than singleness. I wanted to talk about life as a follower of Jesus. I was – and still am – single*, but I came to a point where I realized I had more to offer than just my take on a relationship status. I’m not “just” the single girl – I’m Kayla. And so I started to write as Kayla. Not single Kayla.

Yet here we are, nearly 10 years later, and I’m back to a blog post about singleness.

In other news – I like TikTok. I know I probably shouldn’t watch it, but we don’t like to should all over ourselves. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE.

Early today I came across a stitch (iykyk) responding to remarks that a very famous pastor made about women being “perpetually lied to” about the “inconvenience of a husband and children.” He (if you really want to know which man said this, you can figure it out on your own. I’m not typing his name here) talks about young women being so pumped about their lives and the freedom they have now. He goes on to say, “if they do a follow up at 50 they’re not going to be happy…they’re going to be lonely…have a couple of STDs.” He postulates that the true key to happiness is a husband and children.

A. Pastor.
A pastor who is supposed to be telling people about the good news of Jesus Christ – that we are so loved by God that He was unwilling to see us without hope and sent His Son Jesus to redeem us back in to right relationship with Him.
A pastor who is supposed to be reminding his church – and the world since he puts his words all over Al Gore’s internet – that abundant life comes through Christ and nothing else.

Instead, this pastor is reminding women that they will live a miserable life and die a miserable death unless they get married.

I wonder if he realized that Jesus of Nazareth, the Christ Himself, was a single man? That MANY mothers of the faith were/are single women? And, shockingly, lived/are living full, vibrant, lovely lives for the sake of the Kingdom of God?

10 years.
For 10 years I’ve been waiting for the narrative to change.

So tonight, it’s back to my roots.
My single roots.

One of the things that fires me up about these words is that it lumps in singleness with loneliness and marriage with fulfillment. I am single and I have a thriving community of friends that help keep me from debilitating loneliness. I also know married people that are not thriving with their spouse and face greater loneliness that I’d like to imagine.

The assumption that singleness = a life of loneliness is such a freakin narrow approach to life. It totally goes against the full life of a follower of Jesus. A life that is designed to rely on God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, and His church. It also takes so much pressure off of married people, relieving them of the opportunity to fold single people in to their lives.

“You’re lonely? Oh, well just get married.” – this is such a terrible cop out.

Not to mention, it leaves a lot of women at risk.

There have been 2 times in my life I was convinced I would get married. One of those times I was with an abusive addict and only through friendship was I able to get out of that relationship and not end up “unlonely” to a man that put me through hell. My follow up at 50 would actually have been that I was unhappy.

And that’s just one relationship. I can’t begin to describe the audacity of men on dating apps – Christian dating apps – that make me want to just move into my friend’s basement and live out my days as mom’s weird friend that just showed up one day and won’t go away. Nothing makes me want to be single as much as dating does.

My loneliness doesn’t push me toward marriage.
It pushes me toward Jesus.
It pushes me toward community.
It pushes me toward my friend and her son showing up to my apartment with flowers because I’ve had a terrible month.
It pushes me toward snuggling with my friends daughter before putting her down for a nap as we say our I love you’s and I remind her that she’s a queen.
It pushes me toward a 40 minute FaceTime with my nephew while I make and eat breakfast and he talks to me about his guitar and wanting to learn how to play Jon Pardi songs.

It pushes me away from despair.
It pushes me away from desperation.
It pushes me away from the lie that a husband and children are an inconvenience, but are rather a good gift to be cherished and celebrated, but not envied or idolized.
It pushes me away from the lie that Christ is inadequate.

What if we started treating people as people – married, single, parents, non-parents, etc. etc.
What if we started believing that Christ in me is the hope of glory – not any other identity or label I place behind my name.

What if Jesus is actually enough?

And that’s really it, right? That’s where this all started. A conversation around the question, “What if Jesus is actually enough?”

But the question today hits me differently. Instead of a question out of despair – a clinging the possibility that He could be – it’s a question of hope, of opportunity. What if Jesus is enough!? What can He and I accomplish today, together, if I really believe this!?

Check back in with me when I’m 50 and I might have an answer.

* I resisted the urge to write “single as a Pringle” because there is no such thing as single as a Pringle. Have you ever had JUST ONE frickin Pringle?! No. No you haven’t.

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